New Start

You may know me you may not.  Some may know the problems I am having right now, to others it may be a surprise but either way it's part of me and something I am fighting and this blog is hopefully going to help me back to being myself.  I apologise if its seems to go on and ramble a bit but that's how my mind is at the moment.

The last few years has been a real mixed bag of life experiences for me.  I watched my mum die of cancer and sat at her bedside holding her hand when she went.  I realised my life was going nowhere in my long term relationship.  I then met my wonderful Mary and eventually moved to the opposite side of the Pennines to be with her.  I was then lucky enough for her to become my wife this year, I also gained a new family in my two wonderful new daughters and I once again this year became quite badly depressed.  Since that happened I also lost a good friend out of the blue.

I have, with hind site, suffered from depression almost all my life.  I remember at school being "different" and a bit of loaner - never seeming to fit in and to put it bluntly miserable, It used to manifest in violent temper outbursts that saw me attacking teachers and upon occasion my own mother - something I deeply regretted both then and now.  But as a teenager I never understood why or what was happening to me and just thought it was what happened.  Other periods in my life I now know must have been depressed too - maybe if I had sought help then things would have been different but hey we can't change the past.


This latest visit by the dog seemed to come out of the blue - I got up for work one Monday morning in February and the car wouldn't start and I just fell apart - the ground opened up and I just fell into a seemingly never ending hole.  I became irrational and emotional and very withdrawn, I couldn't think straight or make simple decisions with out a lot of effort.  I also had quite serious thoughts about taking the "easy" way out(my choice of words).  All this seemed new to me but apparently I had been just like that for a while - people at work had noticed and had spoken to my manager who was keeping an eye on me.  Mary had noticed and was worried too.  So had other friends.


That same Monday morning I went to see my Doctor who started me on medication and has been supportive when ever I have gone to see her.  I have had the dose increased twice and I am still suffering.  I did try to go back to work and managed for a few weeks but a petty argument with a colleague just tipped me back over the edge and I was back at square one only this time I self harmed.  I only did it the once and was seen doing it by a friend who did the right things and I was sent home from work by a very understanding boss.

I then heard about Mick - I was stunned and again seemed to go backwards.  But seeing the strength that his wife has faced up to her new challenges is helping me face up to mine, you could say she is an inspiration.  Last weekend I was privileged to be able to join her and some other friends in a simple swim on the beach.  It wasn't the nicest weather but it was one of the most life confirming moments I can remember, the cold water and the waves as well as the laughter and the tears made the day one I will never forget.

This is all I feel I can share right now as I am finding this so very draining, but I hope it will do good.  But before I finish for now I feel I have to say that I can honestly say if it wasn't for the love of Mary and my friends I don't think I would be here to write this blog.

Take care
Alan