So here I am again - wondering if it's worth it. For some reason trying to put down how I'm feeling right now is so hard - much harder than usual but not in a good way, so if this is a little disjointed and random it's because so's my mind.
I'm trying to look at the positive things in my life right now and apart from one or two I can't seem to see any, just a huge pile of negatives.
Things that I have loved doing for my entire adult life now seem to have no appeal and I just can't be bothered with them. I'm wondering whether I should give them up entirely or maybe just take a break from them. But then I'm scared of losing the many friends I have in that hobby either way. I wonder if maybe, those who I thought were friends aren't and are trying to drive me away from what I have spent so many years doing.
Should I carry on but join a different part of the society?
Will I get rejected by my friends where I am now if I do?
I have friends in other parts but would they want me to join them?
Maybe I should just walk away altogether and not bother any of them any more - they don't need a millstone round their necks spoiling things for them.
What isn't helping is that I'm still waiting to find out things at work - last I heard was "things are ongoing". I need to know where things stand as, once I know, I hope I will start to feel better.
I have started seeing a therapist again - I had my first appointment on Tuesday, but as I was leaving home something happened that almost caused me to have a panic attack and run away and hide, but because I had Mary with me I managed to make the appointment and it seemed to go OK. Hopefully the therapy will help even if the last time I was seeing a therapist I couldn't see any change.
Last few weeks I've been having some real bad days again lows that have seemed to go one for weeks when in reality they have probably only been a few days - I just can't tell - they roll into one dark fog of despair and loathing, loathing for myself, loathing for others, loathing for life itself. Despair because I can see what is happening but can't do anything about it or stop myself feeling that way. Logically I know that there is no basis for the loathing but emotionally I can't help myself - the feelings just overwhelm me and bury the logical thoughts so deep I can't reach them to pull myself up - do I even want to bother trying anymore?
Either way I'll just keep plodding my useless self along until I reach the end of the tunnel.
