New Start Underway

Well since my last post things have progressed better than I could have hoped.  I have been confirmed in my my new post and I am now officially have the job.  I have lots of training and tests in front of me before I am fully licensed, but with the support and training I am receiving from my colleagues, I am optimistic I will pass.  I have completed the forms for the Federation and they have been sent in and I am now waiting for my training pack to arrive and, once it does, I can start to get more in depth training on the role.



The team I have joined is a small but great group of people.  I'm not going to go into detail but the support I have received from them all has been fantastic.    Over all the other people I have encountered in this initial period who, whilst not being based at the main work place , have also been great as have the managers and team leaders - I couldn't have asked for more support.



I would be lying if I said I have no regrets about leaving my last work place - I have far more positive memories than negative and I would still be there if it wasn't for recent history.  I loved the sense of satisfaction I got from doing the smallest of changes for our service users. The simplest of things could give them a whole new lease of life, and the resulting smile would brighten the day.  So thank you for the opportunity to make a difference to so many, to make life that little bit easier for many, to help the passing of those who were at the end of their time in their own home with their loved ones and especially to the team members who I still hope to consider friends.



On another even more positive note.  I was brought to having tears in my eyes twice in one evening by my wonderful No2 daughter Rhiannon.  Away with Mary for a few days in Southport, I was the victim of a scheme planned by her, Chelsea and Mary.  We went out for a meal and whilst there I was officially asked by Rhi to be her real Daddy and she presented me with papers that do just that.  She has changed her name to Slater and when she and Chelsea get married that will be their married name.  To think that this wonderful young lady thinks enough of the grumpy old man I can be to want to do this means more than I can say.  I didn't know what to say then and even now I still don't.  That was the first time on that evening she brought tears to my eyes. The second was when she did an industrial piercing on my ear and fitted the bar.  Like my tattoos and other piercings they were done with a specific personal reason to me.  This newest one will now forever mean something special as a memorial to the night I became Rhi's Daddy.

Looking Forward To A New Start

I know its been another long break since my last posting, but I've been a little withdrawn again.  Nothing serious or anything to worry about, I've just been a bit quiet.  Although I did have a serious dip again when I was turned on by people I had thought were among my oldest friends - how wrong I was, Still they need me more than I need them and I have already had numerous offers from others to join them.  Almost 30 years of membership and work blown away by those who should know better.  Their loss not mine.

But on to better news.  I have been place on medical redeployment and I have been offered a work trial in a new position.  Before I agreed to this I spent a day being shown what the new role involves and I can honestly say the prospect and the new job excite me.  Some may think it a little odd in what I am hoping will be become my new career, but I just see it as another way of helping people.  Once, or should I say if, I manage to get through the trial I will have to complete legally required training in order for me gain a licence to carry out the role.  I have a meeting tomorrow so myself and the service manger can agree a program of what I need to do during the trial and once that is sorted I start next week.  At last I'll be back to work with out having to worry about the 3 f**k wits who caused all this.  No longer will I have to be scared that I may **** ***** ***** ** or ***** ***** **** with a ******** ***(Censored - see previous post).  I will be able to go to work without stress, without fear and without worry.  I won't be deliberately isolated and ignored I will be able to speak to work mates and be spoken back too.  I will be able to say "Morning" when I arrive and "Bye" when I leave and get the same back - I can't wait to be useful again.

Another recent high is the news the my daughter Rhi has got engaged to a lovely girl called Chelsea.  Yes I did say a girl not that it makes a single bit off difference to me.  She is still the same person who is grumpy, happy, bubbly, whingy, helpful and disruptive, but most importantly she is still my daughter and if you don't like that fact she is gay then keep it to yourself and move on as I don't want to know you.

Oh I just realised I didn't actually mention what the work trial is for.  Hopefully I'll get the job and then I'll let you know.

Take care

Alan

Apparently I'm a threat

I got a knock at the door yesterday morning about 8:30 while I was holding my 6 month old grandson.  I answered the door and, to my surprise, I found a police constable stood there who was looking for me.  I asked him in and he asked me if I had any idea why he was there, which I didn't.  He then asked if I had any issues at work, which I do.  He then informed me that one of my managers (someone I have never heard of or have a clue who they are),  had called them about my last blog post.  He then quoted sections of the last paragraph to me.  I told him that yes I had said that and that it was from my BLOG.  He seemed almost embarrassed to be there and said a couple of times that he could see I was fine.  He also asked me a couple of times if I was ok and was I sure.  He then said that he could see it was just a rant and that no threat to anyone had been made, and he couldn't understand why anyone though that the police needed to be involved.

If he had been shown the whole post I don't know but if he had, he could have seen it was a rant - somewhere I let off steam and voice my feelings both good and bad, hell there are lots of entries on there where I do just that.  If I had written something like "I am going to get a baseball bat and go sort them out good and proper" or " I'm reapplying for my shotgun ticket so I can get a shotgun and shoot them"  I could understand any concerns but I didn't, all I did was express how I FELT not what I planned

So you can make up your own mind here is the section they quoted:  "So now I am left with the choice - do I go back to a job I love but even more danger of abuse and stigmatization, or do I get my doctor to continue to put me on sick until I have to leave work due to ill health, or do I ask the doctor to eventually sign me fit for work but with change of role?  I don't know what to do or what I want any more - part of me wants to get the baseball bat out and put the wankers in hospital for a long long time.  I was actually thinking of reapplying for a shotgun ticket ready to start re-enacting again next year but somehow I don't think that would be a good idea for them at the moment if had access to a weapon."  Is there any part of that that says I'm going to go out and do anything?

Again something at work has left me feeling confused and anxious with hints of paranoia but I'm not going to let them send me back on a spiral into the jaws of the dog.

Take care 
Alan

Waste of Time

Due to fears of repercussions  I have been advised to remove the original entry I made here.

I removed it only because my wonderful wife Mary asked me to, for NOBODY else would I have done so as I am a believer in Article 10 of  the ECHR.  With out Marys support, care and love I have no doubt I wouldn't still be here today.

This is done with great reluctance on my part as this blog is my way of giving voice to the negative thoughts and feelings that my mental health condition causes me, as well as the good thoughts and feelings and was started by myself to help me get the jumbled mess of thoughts and feelings in my confused, scared, lonely, paranoid mind straight.  One of my former therapists also recomended this as a form of therapy that would be beneficial to me and I have found it to be very cathartic when I feel the need to post.

I have no intention of stopping this blog in the future so watch this space.


European Convention on Human Rights

Article 10 – Freedom of expression 1. Everyone has the right to freedom of expression. This right shall include freedom to hold opinions and to receive and impart information and ideas without interference by public authority and regardless of frontiers. This article shall not prevent States from requiring the licensing of broadcasting, television or cinema enterprises. 2. The exercise of these freedoms, since it carries with it duties and responsibilities, may be subject to such formalities, conditions, restrictions or penalties as are prescribed by law and are necessary in a democratic society, in the interests of national security, territorial integrity or public safety, for the prevention of disorder or crime, for the protection of health or morals, for the protection of the reputation or rights of others, for preventing the disclosure of information received in confidence, or for maintaining the authority and impartiality of the judiciary.

Had to give in

Went to see the doctor yesterday for one of my regular monthly check ups and to get a sick note for work.  After we had a chat and I told him how bad the last couple of weeks had been, he discussed my meds with me and the dose I'm on.  After I told him how I felt about them he asked me what I wanted to do - either stay on the ones I'm on but go to the highest dose OR swap to another medication after being weaned off my current meds first.  I chose to stay with the devil I know and decided to stick with what I've got and the higher dose with the option of changing later.

So took my first dose of 200 mg this morning and once it kicked in, as I knew it would, I've felt crap all day.  Not in my head but physically - I'm edgy, twitchy and feel "wired" like theres a small electric charge running over my skin as well as starting to feel that my head is being stuffed with cotton wool.  I guess this is for the best but I have held off for months if not a year from going to the higher level just because of how I know I'm going to feel for the next couple of weeks.  Logically I know that it's probably for the best but it still feels like a defeat, like the dog is winning.

Guess that all for now as need to go try relax and let the meds do their thing.

It's hard

So here I am again - wondering if it's worth it.  For some reason trying to put down how I'm feeling right now is so hard - much harder than usual but not in a good way, so if this is a little disjointed and random it's because so's my mind.

I'm trying to look at the positive things in my life right now and apart from one or two I can't seem to see any, just a huge pile of negatives.

Things that I have loved doing for my entire adult life now seem to have no appeal and I just can't be bothered with them.  I'm wondering whether I should give them up entirely or maybe just take a break from them.  But then I'm scared of losing the many friends I have in that hobby either way.  I wonder if maybe, those who I thought were friends aren't and are trying to drive me away from what I have spent so many years doing.

Should I carry on but join a different part of the society?

Will I get rejected by my friends where I am now if I do?

I have friends in other parts but would they want me to join them?

Maybe I should just walk away altogether and not bother any of them any more - they don't need a millstone round their necks spoiling things for them.

What isn't helping is that I'm still waiting to find out things at work - last I heard was "things are ongoing".  I need to know where things stand as, once I know, I hope I will start to feel better.

I have started seeing a therapist again - I had my first appointment on Tuesday, but as I was leaving home something happened that almost caused me to have a panic attack and run away and hide, but because I had Mary with me I managed to make the appointment and it seemed to go OK.  Hopefully the therapy will help even if the last time I was seeing a therapist I couldn't see any change.

Last few weeks I've been having some real bad days again lows that have seemed to go one for weeks when in reality they have probably only been a few days - I just can't tell - they roll into one dark fog of despair and loathing, loathing for myself, loathing for others, loathing for life itself.  Despair because I can see what is happening but can't do anything about it or stop myself feeling that way.  Logically I know that there is no basis for the loathing but emotionally I can't help myself - the feelings just overwhelm me and bury the logical thoughts so deep I can't reach them to pull myself up - do I even want to bother trying anymore?

Either way I'll just keep plodding my useless self along until I reach the end of the tunnel.