Struggling

Had a rough couple of days again.  I knew I was hitting a rough patch but I've been unable to do anything to avoid it.  Yesterday was so bad Mary was worried she may have to get me to A&E and I was helpless as it gripped me tighter and tighter.  Times like this I wonder at the futility of fighting any longer but you know me I'll just keep trudging along.

That bastard dog is back

Why do good things in life have to dragged down by the bad?  Even though Samantha has just had our third grand child and we have just moved to a better place for Mary, I am still struggling with another bad bout of depression.  Again I'm tired all the time yet I am struggling to sleep, struggling to find the motivation to want to do anything unless I have to.  I am even struggling to get excited about the birth of Noah.  Mood swings and twitches are back as is the danger of not controlling my eating and putting the weight I had lost back on.  I'm finding myself having anxiety attacks again and these will probably end up as panic attacks.  Makes me wonder if its worth bothering trying to carry on, If I was alone I don't think I would bother trying to be honest.  I'm actually sat here now wonder what would be the best way to go.  I'm not going to do it but I  can't stop the thinking about it.

I have felt this one coming for a while brought on by problems at work.  I had been trying to ignore them and done my best not to let them drag me down but I failed and had a minor breakdown at work last week.  I have been to see my doctor who has placed me on sick leave due to work related stress.  I can't go into details of what is causing the stress at the moment but it is being investigated by HR and I'm waiting to hear from them  As a result of what is going on I have asked to be redeployed to another department away from a job I love.

I really thought that the dog was caged last time but the bastard thing keeps finding ways to get out to chew a bit more from my soul, soon I can't see there being much left.

I know I'll just keep fighting I always do but it just gets harder and harder each time nd I can honestly say I don't know how much fight I've got left.