First Month Back

My last post was after my first day back and now I have finished my first month.  I can't say it has got much easier, in fact in some ways it has been harder.  especially a client I delivered to with a name than means a lot to me.  Things are slowly improving with my colleagues - well some of them, but if those who are having more trouble than the rest feel that way I'm not going to let them get me down again.  They will come round one day and if they don't that's life and as long as we can work together professionally then fine.  Maybe once we have got Christmas out of the way things will improve.

Just like the last few months there have been ups and downs, good days and bad there have days when I have had the shakes and others where I have wanted to find a hole and crawl into it  but I'm taking them one day at a time - it's all I can do.  Something that I am doing that is both helping and not helping at the same time is staying at my fathers a two or three nights a week.  On the up side this saves both money for fuel and the stress of the drive from home to work and back.  On the down side I'm away from home and my Mary and I'm not sure that is worth what it saves.  Either way I know I still have a long road to travel to get myself back and get that bloody dog sorted once and for all,

New Milestone

Well yesterday was the day I actually returned to work. I have been away since the 8th of June. Admittedly I am only working half days for now but I have still taken that huge step. I can't say it was easy and did suffer from quite a bit of anxiety but I still did it, I walked into work and did what I had to do. The reception from my colleagues has been somewhat frosty but I can't expect things to be as if nothing happened, The ladies in the office were wonderful and that helped. All I can do is get myself back into the swing of things and let things work themselves out.


Once in work I have been out doing my normal things and I have had a couple of "wobbles" but nothing big enough to derail me. In fact I had a lady today telling me how wonderful it was to have me deliver her equipment and that I was a real gentleman and how much I had cheered her up with my smile. Meeting people like that is a big part of what makes me love my work and I look forward to making other people feel better.


I'm not going to say the dog is caged but for now I think he is at bay!

Good News

Yes I know it has been ages since I last posted - just couldn't think of anything to say - maybe I should have just rambled who knows LOL.  But today I have been to see occupational health and my doctor and I have been given a return to work date Monday the 5TH November.  I won't be going back full time straight away - the plan is to start on a 4 week phased return building up to my full hours with weekly meetings with my manager as and when and if I need them.

When I started writing this blog it was my first ever attempt at doing anything like this and I had no idea as to how it would help, but it has.  Now I can see the real light at the end of the tunnel and this black dog is almost caged.  Whether this has had anything to do with what I shared here on not I couldn't say, but the feed back I have had from all my friends who have read this has helped so I guess in that way it has.  Now all I want to do is get my life back and start to be "ME" again.

So in this, what I hope will be the last post in this period on my life, I want to thank all of you who have given me support and friendship.  Who have been there even when going through your own trials and troubles.  Without you all I would have been in a bad place still with no light ahead.

 So in closing I'm looking forward to seeing you all very soon for a beer or two and Oh! watch your backs - the Monkey will be released at an event near you!!!!!!!

Alan,.

If this is progress I wonder how bad reversal is

I know it has been a while since I last posted but I thought I was progressing and the dog had wondered off for a while but the last week has shown me that it has only been hiding.

Just over a week ago Rhi, my step daughter, rang me to ask advice about a pain she was having in her abdomen.  I immediately thought her appendix but it was the wrong side.  I told her phone the doc and to cut a long story short she was admitted to hospital to find out what it was:  She is still there and the/we are no closer to finding out what it is.  It's so hard to watch her suffer she is in almost constant pain and she is being given morphine to try to control it but it's not helping a great deal.  On top of that the first days she was in there we were having to take food into her as the kitchen at the hospital couldn't understand that she can't eat anything with dairy in it.  The number of times they sent food up for her supposedly dairy free but not.  One of the kitchen staff even came up and had a go at her for it.  To try to get something sorted Mary wrote to the complaints office and the catering manager came to apologise to Rhi and bring her the menu and form she should have been given on day 1, but something as simple as getting food that isn't life threatening to someone should be easy not a problem.

It makes me feel totally useless and no good to her because I can't do anything to help even though there is nothing I can do.  It doesn't help that myself and especially Mary and stressed about it for her and we both are miss understanding each other which is making me feel worse because I am worried that I may upset or stress her out even more and she is worried that she may do the same to me and knowing that is just multiplying how shit I am feeling.  I felt that bad the other evening I thought I was loosing the one thing that has been keeping me sane - the paranoia in my head was that bad.  Even the good work I have been doing by starting to go to the gym has felt undone.  Yes I can feel I have started to improve my fitness and I had thought I was improving my mood but because of the shit going on I have struggled this week to go as often I want to - only been twice so far this week.

The effect Rhi being in hospital is really upsetting and worrying Mary and to see her so wound up, worried, scared angry and at times withdrawn is breaking my heart. I want to help her but again I feel useless and think maybe she would be better with out me dragging her down at a time she can do without it.  But I also so know that if I wasn't there she would have fallen apart but the dog is doing it's best to kill that knowledge.

Then on Saturday I had to spend the day in another hospital with Sam my eldest daughter.  This wasn't unexpected as she was having a scheduled surgery but it's the second time this year she has had to have an op - she has now had both knees reconstructed she is only 24 for gods sake - it's a birth defect the surgeon told her but not one that she inherited - how does he know?  I haven't been able to get the idea that I have passed on a faulty gene that has caused her some much trouble and no matter how often she says it's not from me it won't stop the thought.

All I can do right now is grit my teeth and do my best to support them all and leave my own problems to be dealt with when I can't hold them back any more.

Tired

Well the first three days of this week have been crap - Monday I got a letter about the assessment by occupational health at work.  Tuesday had to go for the assessment, really struggled with it was so worked up and stressed in the lead up to it and, while I was there, I was informed I am also suffering from stress. I then forgot I was supposed to be going to the in laws for tea  So had to dash back from my daughters.  Then Wednesday I had to go see my doctor for my regular assessment as well as going to see my weight loss therapist.  So again I was stressed with the dashing about.

But I have to admit it hasn't been all bad.  I actually started going to a gym on Monday and have been Monday Tuesday and twice today (Thursday)  and I am now feeling so tired.  I'm not sleeping - the heat and the mental problems keeping me awake as well as the stress for the negative things this week have exhausted me roll on the cooler weather when I may manage to rest.

Egg Shells Pt2

After such a positive day yesterday I was hoping to have a decent one today - the weather is good and I had made plans to do some simple stuff round the house but then the post arrived.  I mentioned a phone call I received last week in an earlier blog and how it badly upset and unsettled me.  Well I have just received the confirmation letter and again I have been unsettled.  In the "sensible" part of my head I know it will just be a simple form letter that they send to everyone when they need to see them but, the language used seems so threatening with sections that say: " Please feel free to discuss this letter with your union or other representative, who can,if you wish, be present when you attend your appointment."  Shortly followed by "It is a requirement of conditions of service that you attend for this appointment, even if you return to work prior to the appointment date."  If they are talking union reps does this mean that they are planning something or what?  Sometimes I hate the people I work for they appear to be caring and understanding on one side and on the other they are just waiting to shit on you.

Why do I bother?  The egg shells just got stepped on.

Egg Shells

Yesterday was one of the best days I have had in a long time.  An unplanned visit to see good friends in Wakefield with a visit to an under threat educational museum open day.  The weather was good, the company was even better.  I actually almost felt like myself.  But I couldn't ditch the feeling of fragility as if I was made out of the finest bone china, crystal or eggshells.  One tap and they will shatter and that was just how I felt.  But I still managed to  have a good day.


How long will I have that feeling when I am having a good day?  I don't know - no one does.  It's almost as if there is a part of me who feels guilty about having fun, a little nagging voice that won't shut up or go away.  But I will beat it, the support of all my friends will get me there.


Thank You for yesterday Adam & Emma


Thank you to all my friends for their words of support and encouragement.

Feeling Mistrusted

Today felt like it was going to be a neutral sort of day until I answered the phone call I just received.  On the surface it was pleasant voice on the other end and the woman sounded nice.  But it was from occupational health at work and I have to go in to see them next week.  One half of me  knows it will just be procedure and that they have to do these things but it is making feel that they think I am lying and just swinging the lead and they need check up on me.  I'm am now shaking and close to a panic attack for nothing.  I know I should have nothing to be concerned about - I have doctors notes and it is on my medical records that I am ill but I still can't stop the feeling of being under suspicion.  For gods sake do they not believe what my doctor says?

I know I shouldn't be getting myself worked up like this but I can't stop myself.  What are they going to say what are they going to do what will they say about me and my biggest worry is do they think I am lying.  All those and more are now tumbling around in my head and I just knoew they will be there all weekend until I have been to see them, and even when I have I will be worrying about what the result will be.

All I can do is just wait and se and hope I can hold it together.

Uphill

So far today is not a good day.  It's always the same, I have a couple of decent days and then I have several bad days.  Always the bloody same.  I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel - the only light I think is the train coming towards me.  Days like today I worry that friends are just just there out of pity rather than genuine friendship, that I am burden to them when they are having fun. I worry that some of the people I work with think I'm just skiving  - if they could see or feel how days like today are maybe they would understand.  Stupid thoughts I know but they won't stop or go away.

Is there a trigger to this cycle or is it just my subconscious punishing me for daring to feel OK on Monday and yesterday?  I don't know - does anybody.  It's days like this that sometimes make wonder if there is any point but then I remember the good things and they keep me from doing something stupid.  The love of my Mary and the support of the rest of my family and friends are all that keep me sane and fighting back.

Thanks for being there folks.

Up and Down

Today has been a good day - I have felt almost normal.  Not my usual self but better than I have been.  I don't know why some days are better than others or others worse than I like.  All I know is at the moment the bad days out number the good ones.

When I get up I can usually tell if it's going to be a good one or a bad one but sometimes the bad ones creep up on me and those are usually the worse days.  No matter what I do or say or what people say to me,I still feel worthless,  a failure and that nobody actually cares. My stomach feels knotted and I feel so much bottled up rage and frustration.  I shake, I fidget and can't settle or concentrate and I have developed a twitch that appears when I'm having a bad day. I feel trapped and close to panic - sometimes it does turn into panic and I just have to get out of the house.  I usually just get in the car and go.  I don't have any idea of where I'm going but I just have to go.  Recently I have found myself driving to junction 22 of the M62 and taking the old road towards Oldham, about half a mile up there there is a simple unofficial  parking area used by HGV's to park overnight.  Once I get there I might start to feel better - other times I don't and just have to do my best to hang on.

Today has been a good day.  I didn't do or feel any of the above and I didn't drive anywhere apart from to get Mary from work.  I hope it starts to turn round and that the good out numbers the bad.

New Start

You may know me you may not.  Some may know the problems I am having right now, to others it may be a surprise but either way it's part of me and something I am fighting and this blog is hopefully going to help me back to being myself.  I apologise if its seems to go on and ramble a bit but that's how my mind is at the moment.

The last few years has been a real mixed bag of life experiences for me.  I watched my mum die of cancer and sat at her bedside holding her hand when she went.  I realised my life was going nowhere in my long term relationship.  I then met my wonderful Mary and eventually moved to the opposite side of the Pennines to be with her.  I was then lucky enough for her to become my wife this year, I also gained a new family in my two wonderful new daughters and I once again this year became quite badly depressed.  Since that happened I also lost a good friend out of the blue.

I have, with hind site, suffered from depression almost all my life.  I remember at school being "different" and a bit of loaner - never seeming to fit in and to put it bluntly miserable, It used to manifest in violent temper outbursts that saw me attacking teachers and upon occasion my own mother - something I deeply regretted both then and now.  But as a teenager I never understood why or what was happening to me and just thought it was what happened.  Other periods in my life I now know must have been depressed too - maybe if I had sought help then things would have been different but hey we can't change the past.


This latest visit by the dog seemed to come out of the blue - I got up for work one Monday morning in February and the car wouldn't start and I just fell apart - the ground opened up and I just fell into a seemingly never ending hole.  I became irrational and emotional and very withdrawn, I couldn't think straight or make simple decisions with out a lot of effort.  I also had quite serious thoughts about taking the "easy" way out(my choice of words).  All this seemed new to me but apparently I had been just like that for a while - people at work had noticed and had spoken to my manager who was keeping an eye on me.  Mary had noticed and was worried too.  So had other friends.


That same Monday morning I went to see my Doctor who started me on medication and has been supportive when ever I have gone to see her.  I have had the dose increased twice and I am still suffering.  I did try to go back to work and managed for a few weeks but a petty argument with a colleague just tipped me back over the edge and I was back at square one only this time I self harmed.  I only did it the once and was seen doing it by a friend who did the right things and I was sent home from work by a very understanding boss.

I then heard about Mick - I was stunned and again seemed to go backwards.  But seeing the strength that his wife has faced up to her new challenges is helping me face up to mine, you could say she is an inspiration.  Last weekend I was privileged to be able to join her and some other friends in a simple swim on the beach.  It wasn't the nicest weather but it was one of the most life confirming moments I can remember, the cold water and the waves as well as the laughter and the tears made the day one I will never forget.

This is all I feel I can share right now as I am finding this so very draining, but I hope it will do good.  But before I finish for now I feel I have to say that I can honestly say if it wasn't for the love of Mary and my friends I don't think I would be here to write this blog.

Take care
Alan