It's been about a year since my last post and it has been another year of ups and another year of deep downs. The Black dog has had another go and sunk his teeth in to me again and I actually felt I was a danger to myself and possibly others. Luckily I realised just how bad I was and how lucky I was to have such wonderful friends at hand who were able to take me to hospital to get the help I needed. You know who you are and I don't think I will ever be able to thank or repay you.
He came back on the scene at the very end of July and has been slowly loosening his grip since. I have had my moments again I have been withdrawn and suffered from panic attacks again. I have had sudden attacks of temper towards other people for no real reason - maybe it was frustration maybe just another side of the dog baring it's teeth. What ever caused it I am truly and deeply sorry and it has been weighing heavy on my heart. Unknown to myself I have also been snapping and been thoroughly unpleasant to those around me. How they coped with me I will never understand. I do regret it all as the last thing I want to do is hurt and upset those I love, I just didn't know that I was being so irrational and grumpy.
But recently I had thought and felt I had been doing well and was well on the road to winning this round with him. I was making plans hoping to go back to work, I had spoken to occupational health and my manger and a phased return to work plan was decided to be the best course of action. I discussed it with my GP and he agreed. So two weeks ago I went to see him and he decided that he would give me a sick note for two weeks and then a phased return to work note. All systems go! Or so I thought. I went back to see him yesterday and he said that no he wouldn't give me a return note as he didn't think I was ready yet - give until the new year and then come see me and we will look at it again. I can't bloody win his decision knocked me sideways and felt almost back to square one again. I guess I he does know best, but it still hurts to realise that things weren't going as well as I thought.
But I won't surrender I won't let the bastard win, and with the support of my unbelievable family and friends I will be back to my old self again.
