I know it has been a while since I last posted but I thought I was progressing and the dog had wondered off for a while but the last week has shown me that it has only been hiding.
Just over a week ago Rhi, my step daughter, rang me to ask advice about a pain she was having in her abdomen. I immediately thought her appendix but it was the wrong side. I told her phone the doc and to cut a long story short she was admitted to hospital to find out what it was: She is still there and the/we are no closer to finding out what it is. It's so hard to watch her suffer she is in almost constant pain and she is being given morphine to try to control it but it's not helping a great deal. On top of that the first days she was in there we were having to take food into her as the kitchen at the hospital couldn't understand that she can't eat anything with dairy in it. The number of times they sent food up for her supposedly dairy free but not. One of the kitchen staff even came up and had a go at her for it. To try to get something sorted Mary wrote to the complaints office and the catering manager came to apologise to Rhi and bring her the menu and form she should have been given on day 1, but something as simple as getting food that isn't life threatening to someone should be easy not a problem.
It makes me feel totally useless and no good to her because I can't do anything to help even though there is nothing I can do. It doesn't help that myself and especially Mary and stressed about it for her and we both are miss understanding each other which is making me feel worse because I am worried that I may upset or stress her out even more and she is worried that she may do the same to me and knowing that is just multiplying how shit I am feeling. I felt that bad the other evening I thought I was loosing the one thing that has been keeping me sane - the paranoia in my head was that bad. Even the good work I have been doing by starting to go to the gym has felt undone. Yes I can feel I have started to improve my fitness and I had thought I was improving my mood but because of the shit going on I have struggled this week to go as often I want to - only been twice so far this week.
The effect Rhi being in hospital is really upsetting and worrying Mary and to see her so wound up, worried, scared angry and at times withdrawn is breaking my heart. I want to help her but again I feel useless and think maybe she would be better with out me dragging her down at a time she can do without it. But I also so know that if I wasn't there she would have fallen apart but the dog is doing it's best to kill that knowledge.
Then on Saturday I had to spend the day in another hospital with Sam my eldest daughter. This wasn't unexpected as she was having a scheduled surgery but it's the second time this year she has had to have an op - she has now had both knees reconstructed she is only 24 for gods sake - it's a birth defect the surgeon told her but not one that she inherited - how does he know? I haven't been able to get the idea that I have passed on a faulty gene that has caused her some much trouble and no matter how often she says it's not from me it won't stop the thought.
All I can do right now is grit my teeth and do my best to support them all and leave my own problems to be dealt with when I can't hold them back any more.
