Waste of Time

Due to fears of repercussions  I have been advised to remove the original entry I made here.

I removed it only because my wonderful wife Mary asked me to, for NOBODY else would I have done so as I am a believer in Article 10 of  the ECHR.  With out Marys support, care and love I have no doubt I wouldn't still be here today.

This is done with great reluctance on my part as this blog is my way of giving voice to the negative thoughts and feelings that my mental health condition causes me, as well as the good thoughts and feelings and was started by myself to help me get the jumbled mess of thoughts and feelings in my confused, scared, lonely, paranoid mind straight.  One of my former therapists also recomended this as a form of therapy that would be beneficial to me and I have found it to be very cathartic when I feel the need to post.

I have no intention of stopping this blog in the future so watch this space.


European Convention on Human Rights

Article 10 – Freedom of expression 1. Everyone has the right to freedom of expression. This right shall include freedom to hold opinions and to receive and impart information and ideas without interference by public authority and regardless of frontiers. This article shall not prevent States from requiring the licensing of broadcasting, television or cinema enterprises. 2. The exercise of these freedoms, since it carries with it duties and responsibilities, may be subject to such formalities, conditions, restrictions or penalties as are prescribed by law and are necessary in a democratic society, in the interests of national security, territorial integrity or public safety, for the prevention of disorder or crime, for the protection of health or morals, for the protection of the reputation or rights of others, for preventing the disclosure of information received in confidence, or for maintaining the authority and impartiality of the judiciary.

Had to give in

Went to see the doctor yesterday for one of my regular monthly check ups and to get a sick note for work.  After we had a chat and I told him how bad the last couple of weeks had been, he discussed my meds with me and the dose I'm on.  After I told him how I felt about them he asked me what I wanted to do - either stay on the ones I'm on but go to the highest dose OR swap to another medication after being weaned off my current meds first.  I chose to stay with the devil I know and decided to stick with what I've got and the higher dose with the option of changing later.

So took my first dose of 200 mg this morning and once it kicked in, as I knew it would, I've felt crap all day.  Not in my head but physically - I'm edgy, twitchy and feel "wired" like theres a small electric charge running over my skin as well as starting to feel that my head is being stuffed with cotton wool.  I guess this is for the best but I have held off for months if not a year from going to the higher level just because of how I know I'm going to feel for the next couple of weeks.  Logically I know that it's probably for the best but it still feels like a defeat, like the dog is winning.

Guess that all for now as need to go try relax and let the meds do their thing.

It's hard

So here I am again - wondering if it's worth it.  For some reason trying to put down how I'm feeling right now is so hard - much harder than usual but not in a good way, so if this is a little disjointed and random it's because so's my mind.

I'm trying to look at the positive things in my life right now and apart from one or two I can't seem to see any, just a huge pile of negatives.

Things that I have loved doing for my entire adult life now seem to have no appeal and I just can't be bothered with them.  I'm wondering whether I should give them up entirely or maybe just take a break from them.  But then I'm scared of losing the many friends I have in that hobby either way.  I wonder if maybe, those who I thought were friends aren't and are trying to drive me away from what I have spent so many years doing.

Should I carry on but join a different part of the society?

Will I get rejected by my friends where I am now if I do?

I have friends in other parts but would they want me to join them?

Maybe I should just walk away altogether and not bother any of them any more - they don't need a millstone round their necks spoiling things for them.

What isn't helping is that I'm still waiting to find out things at work - last I heard was "things are ongoing".  I need to know where things stand as, once I know, I hope I will start to feel better.

I have started seeing a therapist again - I had my first appointment on Tuesday, but as I was leaving home something happened that almost caused me to have a panic attack and run away and hide, but because I had Mary with me I managed to make the appointment and it seemed to go OK.  Hopefully the therapy will help even if the last time I was seeing a therapist I couldn't see any change.

Last few weeks I've been having some real bad days again lows that have seemed to go one for weeks when in reality they have probably only been a few days - I just can't tell - they roll into one dark fog of despair and loathing, loathing for myself, loathing for others, loathing for life itself.  Despair because I can see what is happening but can't do anything about it or stop myself feeling that way.  Logically I know that there is no basis for the loathing but emotionally I can't help myself - the feelings just overwhelm me and bury the logical thoughts so deep I can't reach them to pull myself up - do I even want to bother trying anymore?

Either way I'll just keep plodding my useless self along until I reach the end of the tunnel.

Struggling

Had a rough couple of days again.  I knew I was hitting a rough patch but I've been unable to do anything to avoid it.  Yesterday was so bad Mary was worried she may have to get me to A&E and I was helpless as it gripped me tighter and tighter.  Times like this I wonder at the futility of fighting any longer but you know me I'll just keep trudging along.

That bastard dog is back

Why do good things in life have to dragged down by the bad?  Even though Samantha has just had our third grand child and we have just moved to a better place for Mary, I am still struggling with another bad bout of depression.  Again I'm tired all the time yet I am struggling to sleep, struggling to find the motivation to want to do anything unless I have to.  I am even struggling to get excited about the birth of Noah.  Mood swings and twitches are back as is the danger of not controlling my eating and putting the weight I had lost back on.  I'm finding myself having anxiety attacks again and these will probably end up as panic attacks.  Makes me wonder if its worth bothering trying to carry on, If I was alone I don't think I would bother trying to be honest.  I'm actually sat here now wonder what would be the best way to go.  I'm not going to do it but I  can't stop the thinking about it.

I have felt this one coming for a while brought on by problems at work.  I had been trying to ignore them and done my best not to let them drag me down but I failed and had a minor breakdown at work last week.  I have been to see my doctor who has placed me on sick leave due to work related stress.  I can't go into details of what is causing the stress at the moment but it is being investigated by HR and I'm waiting to hear from them  As a result of what is going on I have asked to be redeployed to another department away from a job I love.

I really thought that the dog was caged last time but the bastard thing keeps finding ways to get out to chew a bit more from my soul, soon I can't see there being much left.

I know I'll just keep fighting I always do but it just gets harder and harder each time nd I can honestly say I don't know how much fight I've got left.

Another Year On

So it's coming round to Christmas again - yet another year passed in the cycle of life, BUT unlike the previous couple of years this one has been almost normal.  I won't say it's been totally without problems but on the whole the downs have been massively out weighed by the ups or even the "ordinary".  Unfortunately the last couple of months have put a real strain on my progress.  The death of my cousin Glenda who lost her struggle to cancer in October was a sad note as well as a reminder of my own mortality - she is the first of my generation to die and so I can see that we are no longer the "youth" of the clan there are two more levels below me now so they are now the ones who will carry on the family traditions.

But the last three weeks have been the hardest since my mother died 5 years ago.  Many of my childhood memories revolve around my extended family especially my dads big sister.  Be it simply social visits, hair cuts, baking. huge family day trips to the coast, holidays at the caravan or just sitting and catching up.  One of the bedrocks of all those memories is my Aunty Mavis, she is central to almost as many memories of good times as my own mother.  In fact she has always seemed like a second mum to me if not the rest of the Slater extended family.  She was an incredible woman, fiercely protective of all her boys and I don't just mean her sons I mean all us, as well as daughters in law and grandchildren.  She became ill in March and was rushed into Pinderfields twice and spent the the rest of her time being moved between various locations until she came home for a short time in late October early November where I was privileged to be one of the people she trusted to stay with her at home to help care a for her.  Unfortunately she wasn't really fit to be home and she was returned to Pinderfields where she finally lost her strength and passed away piecefully with family around her.
Her funeral was a moving and upsetting event for many but I think we did her the justice she deserved. I was honoured to be allowed to do a reading for her as well help her sons carry her out at the end.  She had left specific instructions - or should I say orders, as to what she wanted (those who knew her will know just what I mean) and the choice she made for her leaving the church reduced most of the family of my generation to tears.  My grandmother was another big influence in my life and many years ago my cousin made a recording of her singing The Old Rugged Cross and this was what was Mavis's wanted as she left.  The voice of my grandmother who passed over 20 years ago brought back even more memories and as we carried her out it seemed so appropriate.  The party afterwards wasn't a sad affair it was a celebration with all the banter she used to love and enjoy and I know she would have been in the thick of it before sneaking off to do the washing up, just like she did at her sons wedding.

Goodbye Aunty Mavis I love you and miss you so much and I'm glad your at piece now and reunited with Dennis.

Looking back over the last year I can see myself returning to myself and no doubt others can too, hopefully even better than I can.  The support of friends and family have all made a massive contribution to my continued normality - I won't say recovery as I don't believe that once the dog has decided he likes the taste of you he ever goes away for good, he's always hanging around for another bite.  Good friends, even better family, starting going to the gym regularly as well as a super wife who has had her own troubles have all made this year possible

Round 2

It's been about a year since my last post and it has been another year of ups and another year of deep downs.  The Black dog has had another go and sunk his teeth in to me again and I actually felt I was a danger to myself and possibly others.  Luckily I realised just how bad I was and how lucky I was to have such wonderful friends at hand who were able to take me to hospital to get the help I needed.  You know who you are and I don't think I will ever be able to thank or repay you.

He came back on the scene at the very end of July and has been slowly loosening his grip since.  I have had my moments again I have been withdrawn and suffered from panic attacks again.  I have had sudden attacks of temper towards other people for no real reason - maybe it was frustration maybe just another side of the dog baring it's teeth.  What ever caused it I am truly and deeply sorry and it has been weighing heavy on my heart.  Unknown to myself I have also been snapping and been thoroughly unpleasant to those around me. How they coped with me I will never understand.  I do regret it all as the last thing I want to do is hurt and upset those I love, I just didn't know that I was being so irrational and grumpy.

But recently I had thought and felt I had been doing well and was well on the road to winning this round with him.  I was making plans hoping to go back to work, I had spoken to occupational health and my manger and a phased return to work plan was decided to be the best course of action.  I discussed it with my GP and he agreed.  So two weeks ago I went to see him and he decided that he would give me a sick note for two weeks and then a phased return to work note.  All systems go! Or so I thought.  I went back to see him yesterday and he said that no he wouldn't give me a return note as he didn't think I was ready yet - give until the new year and then come see me and we will look at it again.  I can't bloody win his decision knocked me sideways and felt almost back to square one again.  I guess I he does know best, but it still hurts to realise that things weren't going as well as I thought.

 But I won't surrender I won't let the bastard win, and with the support of my unbelievable family and friends I will be back to my old self again.