So I'm here again trying to put my thoughts in order and make sense of the chaos that is running through my head. I know it has been a while since I last wrote anything but thats the way my brain works and I only feel the need when things are getting to a point where I need to put them down before they spill out in other less constructive ways.
These "less constructive ways" scare me when the feeling comes into my head. I mean last time they got a good hold of me was Christmas Day 2019, I mentioned it in my last post but didn't really go into any detail. In brief after a double shift at work I got home and on an empty stomach I started to drink - I filled a pint glass with sparkling wine poured what was left in the bottle down my throat and then proceded to do the same with the pint glass, I then started on the whisky and after roughly a third of a bottle I realised I was having a crisis and had the sense to call a crisis help line. Luckily they took my details and address as they were trying to talk me down - I was still drinking while I was talking to them. I can't remember much of what I was saying to them due to the alcholic blur that had developed, but I do remember I said something along the lines of "Fuck it, I can't be arsed, talking isn't going to solve anything, I'm going to the garage and getting a couple of gallons of unleaded and I'll sort things out myself " I then hung up on them. The thing that scares me most now is that I then got in my car with my wallet and set off to do just that. I was going to go get petrol and burn what I saw as the cause of my distress. I started to drive around the block and, after the wine and what was by then in excess of a half bottle of whisky, my driving was dangerous. So I drove completely arround the block and parked up and went back in. Now the thing is - it wasn't fear of what I was planning to do that stopped me, I had no problems with that part, I was as concerned about doing that as I would be throwing an empty bag in the bin. What stopped me was the fear I may damage my car, nothing more than that. Not long after I got back into the flat the police arrived to do a wellfair check and they took my car keys to the station. Certain places and people were very very lucky that night that I was worried about the car.
So; I am now living with Donna, we have a quirky cottage that has 2 bedrooms and a room that is too small to be a bedroom but is where I have my computer, spread over 3 floors It has a huge back garden that I have started to get into some semblance of order considering I'm not a gardener it will probably just end up being grassed. My metal health is still not good and anxiety is still a regular visitor. Then there are nights like tonight where I can't sleep because of the chaos and thoughts in my head arguing with each other. Nights like this scare me as I know if I gave in a dish best served cold would be served hot.
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