2 Steps forward 1 step back

    So I'm here again trying to put my thoughts in order and make sense of the chaos that is running through my head.  I know it has been a while since I last wrote anything but thats the way my brain works and I only feel the need when things are getting to a point where I need to put them down before they spill out in other less constructive ways.  

    These "less constructive ways" scare me when the feeling comes into my head.  I mean last time they got a good hold of me was Christmas Day 2019, I mentioned it in my last post but didn't really go into any detail.  In brief after a double shift at work I got home and on an empty stomach I started to drink - I filled a pint glass with sparkling wine poured what was left in the bottle down my throat and then proceded to do the same with the pint glass, I then started on the whisky and after roughly a third of a bottle I realised I was having a crisis and had the sense to call a crisis help line.  Luckily they took my details and address as they were trying to talk me down - I was still drinking while I was talking to them.  I can't remember much of what I was saying to them due to the alcholic blur that had developed, but I do remember I said something along the lines of "Fuck it, I can't be arsed, talking isn't going to solve anything, I'm going to the garage and getting a couple of gallons of unleaded and I'll sort things out myself "  I then hung up on them.  The thing that scares me most now is that I then got in my car with my wallet and set off to do just that.  I was going to go get petrol and burn what I saw as the cause of my distress.  I started to drive around the block and, after the wine and what was by then in excess of a half bottle of whisky, my driving was dangerous.  So I drove completely arround the block and parked up and went back in. Now the thing is - it wasn't fear of what I was planning to do that stopped me, I had no problems with that part, I was as concerned about doing that as I would be throwing an empty bag in the bin.  What stopped me was the fear I may damage my car, nothing more than that.  Not long after I got back into the flat the police arrived to do a wellfair check and they took my car keys to the station.   Certain places and people were very very lucky that night that I was worried about the car.

So; I am now living with Donna, we have a quirky cottage that has 2 bedrooms and a room that is too small to be a bedroom but is where I have my computer, spread over 3 floors  It has a huge back garden that I have started to get into some semblance of order considering I'm not a gardener it will probably just end up being grassed.  My metal health is still not good and anxiety is still a regular visitor.  Then there are nights like tonight where I can't sleep because of the chaos and thoughts in my head arguing with each other.  Nights like this scare me as I know if I gave in a dish best served cold would be served hot.

Life is Shit

I will probably never publish this but I’m writing it anyway.

It’s been a long time since I last added anything to this but things have changed massively in life since the last entry.  In brief work was going fine - I wasn’t aware of any problems until something happened, something I know I was involved in but I am convinced was caused maliciously by someone to cause trouble.  This caused my mental health and confidence to plummet and, after some hard thoughts and talks with Mary I decided to quit and we decided to move to Scotland to make fresh start.  I found a place for us in village called Galston where we had "friends" and we moved in April.  

Things were going well; I had been offered 3 different jobs and had started one.  My mental health had been poor but it was improving.  I had started to try my hand at knife making and had just finished my first effort – a seax for Mary. Then the bottom fell out of my world when my out of the blue after a minor spat I freely admit I caused my “loving wife” turned round and told me our marriage was over. Something I believe she had been planning for a while due to the speed and ease she did everything. I stayed with the "friends" in the village for a few days until I finally lost my temper after being told I had never tried to be or been a decent husband, which ended up with the police being called after I head butted a hole in a door and kicked in the side door of the garage open to get to my stuff that had been dumped in there after being refused access to it.  I was confused, shocked, upset, devastated, frustrated - words can't express how I felt.

I walked out of the job I had started and went home to Yorkshire. All I had was some compensation money I had just received that had been put away for a holiday and a car full of some belongings.  An old friend who had also recently suffered a loss was supportive and gave me a place to try to put my head back into some kind of order.  My family also tried their best to help support me and give me something to live for - something I had great difficulty seeing myself.  I was even sat on the bed with a couple of boxes worth of tablets in my hand - fortunately I didn't have a drink to hand or they would have been swallowed.  But I do now have other scars added to older ones.

I had accepted the final job I had been offered just before I went back to my dad’s but I decided I wouldn't be able to take it so I emailed them to say I would no longer be able to start work with them and thanked them for the opportunity.  But a week or so later I received an email from them regarding me using them as an employment referee for somewhere to live in Scotland saying that they would be happy to do so.  It turned out that the person who was my contact had been on leave and had yet to read the email I had sent about not starting work with them.  I thought for a short time and decided that no I wasn't going to waste the chance of a job and contacted them.  I explained what had happened and that I still wanted the job but I wasn't able to start on the expected date.  Luckily, they were willing to put back the start date which gave me chance to find somewhere to live here in Scotland.  I managed to find a flat and I started work mid-September.  I received some more compensation and decided to get a smaller car with it.

Since then I believe for a time someone was deliberately trying to provoke me into losing control again.  Threats of tipping my belongings still in the house if I didn’t collect them when they said no matter what I was working – dead lines given to move stuff but only when convenient to them, threats to spread lies about me to others, accusations made against me regarding things they only know part of.  People being told that I was going to strip everything out of the house.  Being accused of emptying the bank account – spending any money I had at the time on myself.  Yet when pointed out that the bed someone was sleeping in, the wardrobe someone’s clothes were hanging in had been bought with what money I had had at the time didn’t matter.  In fact, I had just ordered a covered swing seat and lawn mower with my first months pay and some of the compensation money I had received. 

After I had started work, I decided I had to try get myself back to “normal” (what ever normal is) and ended up meeting someone online.  Someone special who I am now in a relationship with.  But even that has been used against me to try to cause trouble as, apparently I only wanted to move to Scotland in the first place was because I was having an affair with this lady and wanted to be closer to her.  I wonder where these people get these ridiculous ideas from and what satisfaction they get from spreading such malicious lies.

As things stand right now I am still struggling with my mental health – depression and anxiety are regular visitors – I had a real melt down at Christmas which ended up with the police at my flat to check I was safe as I had called a mental health crisis line and they had serious concerns for my safety and that of others.  Work is “interesting” especially in the midst of the Covid19 lockdown as, as a prison officer I am a key worker.  Shifts are having to change at work to deal with both the external lockdown as well as the preventative one in work.  Things are going ok with my new relationship – well as well as can be expected in the lockdown and neither of us can travel to see each other but we do facetime at least once a day so it could be worse.

Thats enough for now as wrting this has drained me mentally - lets see how things go.

Take care

New Start Underway

Well since my last post things have progressed better than I could have hoped.  I have been confirmed in my my new post and I am now officially have the job.  I have lots of training and tests in front of me before I am fully licensed, but with the support and training I am receiving from my colleagues, I am optimistic I will pass.  I have completed the forms for the Federation and they have been sent in and I am now waiting for my training pack to arrive and, once it does, I can start to get more in depth training on the role.



The team I have joined is a small but great group of people.  I'm not going to go into detail but the support I have received from them all has been fantastic.    Over all the other people I have encountered in this initial period who, whilst not being based at the main work place , have also been great as have the managers and team leaders - I couldn't have asked for more support.



I would be lying if I said I have no regrets about leaving my last work place - I have far more positive memories than negative and I would still be there if it wasn't for recent history.  I loved the sense of satisfaction I got from doing the smallest of changes for our service users. The simplest of things could give them a whole new lease of life, and the resulting smile would brighten the day.  So thank you for the opportunity to make a difference to so many, to make life that little bit easier for many, to help the passing of those who were at the end of their time in their own home with their loved ones and especially to the team members who I still hope to consider friends.



On another even more positive note.  I was brought to having tears in my eyes twice in one evening by my wonderful No2 daughter Rhiannon.  Away with Mary for a few days in Southport, I was the victim of a scheme planned by her, Chelsea and Mary.  We went out for a meal and whilst there I was officially asked by Rhi to be her real Daddy and she presented me with papers that do just that.  She has changed her name to Slater and when she and Chelsea get married that will be their married name.  To think that this wonderful young lady thinks enough of the grumpy old man I can be to want to do this means more than I can say.  I didn't know what to say then and even now I still don't.  That was the first time on that evening she brought tears to my eyes. The second was when she did an industrial piercing on my ear and fitted the bar.  Like my tattoos and other piercings they were done with a specific personal reason to me.  This newest one will now forever mean something special as a memorial to the night I became Rhi's Daddy.

Looking Forward To A New Start

I know its been another long break since my last posting, but I've been a little withdrawn again.  Nothing serious or anything to worry about, I've just been a bit quiet.  Although I did have a serious dip again when I was turned on by people I had thought were among my oldest friends - how wrong I was, Still they need me more than I need them and I have already had numerous offers from others to join them.  Almost 30 years of membership and work blown away by those who should know better.  Their loss not mine.

But on to better news.  I have been place on medical redeployment and I have been offered a work trial in a new position.  Before I agreed to this I spent a day being shown what the new role involves and I can honestly say the prospect and the new job excite me.  Some may think it a little odd in what I am hoping will be become my new career, but I just see it as another way of helping people.  Once, or should I say if, I manage to get through the trial I will have to complete legally required training in order for me gain a licence to carry out the role.  I have a meeting tomorrow so myself and the service manger can agree a program of what I need to do during the trial and once that is sorted I start next week.  At last I'll be back to work with out having to worry about the 3 f**k wits who caused all this.  No longer will I have to be scared that I may **** ***** ***** ** or ***** ***** **** with a ******** ***(Censored - see previous post).  I will be able to go to work without stress, without fear and without worry.  I won't be deliberately isolated and ignored I will be able to speak to work mates and be spoken back too.  I will be able to say "Morning" when I arrive and "Bye" when I leave and get the same back - I can't wait to be useful again.

Another recent high is the news the my daughter Rhi has got engaged to a lovely girl called Chelsea.  Yes I did say a girl not that it makes a single bit off difference to me.  She is still the same person who is grumpy, happy, bubbly, whingy, helpful and disruptive, but most importantly she is still my daughter and if you don't like that fact she is gay then keep it to yourself and move on as I don't want to know you.

Oh I just realised I didn't actually mention what the work trial is for.  Hopefully I'll get the job and then I'll let you know.

Take care

Alan

Apparently I'm a threat

I got a knock at the door yesterday morning about 8:30 while I was holding my 6 month old grandson.  I answered the door and, to my surprise, I found a police constable stood there who was looking for me.  I asked him in and he asked me if I had any idea why he was there, which I didn't.  He then asked if I had any issues at work, which I do.  He then informed me that one of my managers (someone I have never heard of or have a clue who they are),  had called them about my last blog post.  He then quoted sections of the last paragraph to me.  I told him that yes I had said that and that it was from my BLOG.  He seemed almost embarrassed to be there and said a couple of times that he could see I was fine.  He also asked me a couple of times if I was ok and was I sure.  He then said that he could see it was just a rant and that no threat to anyone had been made, and he couldn't understand why anyone though that the police needed to be involved.

If he had been shown the whole post I don't know but if he had, he could have seen it was a rant - somewhere I let off steam and voice my feelings both good and bad, hell there are lots of entries on there where I do just that.  If I had written something like "I am going to get a baseball bat and go sort them out good and proper" or " I'm reapplying for my shotgun ticket so I can get a shotgun and shoot them"  I could understand any concerns but I didn't, all I did was express how I FELT not what I planned

So you can make up your own mind here is the section they quoted:  "So now I am left with the choice - do I go back to a job I love but even more danger of abuse and stigmatization, or do I get my doctor to continue to put me on sick until I have to leave work due to ill health, or do I ask the doctor to eventually sign me fit for work but with change of role?  I don't know what to do or what I want any more - part of me wants to get the baseball bat out and put the wankers in hospital for a long long time.  I was actually thinking of reapplying for a shotgun ticket ready to start re-enacting again next year but somehow I don't think that would be a good idea for them at the moment if had access to a weapon."  Is there any part of that that says I'm going to go out and do anything?

Again something at work has left me feeling confused and anxious with hints of paranoia but I'm not going to let them send me back on a spiral into the jaws of the dog.

Take care 
Alan

Waste of Time

Due to fears of repercussions  I have been advised to remove the original entry I made here.

I removed it only because my wonderful wife Mary asked me to, for NOBODY else would I have done so as I am a believer in Article 10 of  the ECHR.  With out Marys support, care and love I have no doubt I wouldn't still be here today.

This is done with great reluctance on my part as this blog is my way of giving voice to the negative thoughts and feelings that my mental health condition causes me, as well as the good thoughts and feelings and was started by myself to help me get the jumbled mess of thoughts and feelings in my confused, scared, lonely, paranoid mind straight.  One of my former therapists also recomended this as a form of therapy that would be beneficial to me and I have found it to be very cathartic when I feel the need to post.

I have no intention of stopping this blog in the future so watch this space.


European Convention on Human Rights

Article 10 – Freedom of expression 1. Everyone has the right to freedom of expression. This right shall include freedom to hold opinions and to receive and impart information and ideas without interference by public authority and regardless of frontiers. This article shall not prevent States from requiring the licensing of broadcasting, television or cinema enterprises. 2. The exercise of these freedoms, since it carries with it duties and responsibilities, may be subject to such formalities, conditions, restrictions or penalties as are prescribed by law and are necessary in a democratic society, in the interests of national security, territorial integrity or public safety, for the prevention of disorder or crime, for the protection of health or morals, for the protection of the reputation or rights of others, for preventing the disclosure of information received in confidence, or for maintaining the authority and impartiality of the judiciary.

Had to give in

Went to see the doctor yesterday for one of my regular monthly check ups and to get a sick note for work.  After we had a chat and I told him how bad the last couple of weeks had been, he discussed my meds with me and the dose I'm on.  After I told him how I felt about them he asked me what I wanted to do - either stay on the ones I'm on but go to the highest dose OR swap to another medication after being weaned off my current meds first.  I chose to stay with the devil I know and decided to stick with what I've got and the higher dose with the option of changing later.

So took my first dose of 200 mg this morning and once it kicked in, as I knew it would, I've felt crap all day.  Not in my head but physically - I'm edgy, twitchy and feel "wired" like theres a small electric charge running over my skin as well as starting to feel that my head is being stuffed with cotton wool.  I guess this is for the best but I have held off for months if not a year from going to the higher level just because of how I know I'm going to feel for the next couple of weeks.  Logically I know that it's probably for the best but it still feels like a defeat, like the dog is winning.

Guess that all for now as need to go try relax and let the meds do their thing.

It's hard

So here I am again - wondering if it's worth it.  For some reason trying to put down how I'm feeling right now is so hard - much harder than usual but not in a good way, so if this is a little disjointed and random it's because so's my mind.

I'm trying to look at the positive things in my life right now and apart from one or two I can't seem to see any, just a huge pile of negatives.

Things that I have loved doing for my entire adult life now seem to have no appeal and I just can't be bothered with them.  I'm wondering whether I should give them up entirely or maybe just take a break from them.  But then I'm scared of losing the many friends I have in that hobby either way.  I wonder if maybe, those who I thought were friends aren't and are trying to drive me away from what I have spent so many years doing.

Should I carry on but join a different part of the society?

Will I get rejected by my friends where I am now if I do?

I have friends in other parts but would they want me to join them?

Maybe I should just walk away altogether and not bother any of them any more - they don't need a millstone round their necks spoiling things for them.

What isn't helping is that I'm still waiting to find out things at work - last I heard was "things are ongoing".  I need to know where things stand as, once I know, I hope I will start to feel better.

I have started seeing a therapist again - I had my first appointment on Tuesday, but as I was leaving home something happened that almost caused me to have a panic attack and run away and hide, but because I had Mary with me I managed to make the appointment and it seemed to go OK.  Hopefully the therapy will help even if the last time I was seeing a therapist I couldn't see any change.

Last few weeks I've been having some real bad days again lows that have seemed to go one for weeks when in reality they have probably only been a few days - I just can't tell - they roll into one dark fog of despair and loathing, loathing for myself, loathing for others, loathing for life itself.  Despair because I can see what is happening but can't do anything about it or stop myself feeling that way.  Logically I know that there is no basis for the loathing but emotionally I can't help myself - the feelings just overwhelm me and bury the logical thoughts so deep I can't reach them to pull myself up - do I even want to bother trying anymore?

Either way I'll just keep plodding my useless self along until I reach the end of the tunnel.

Struggling

Had a rough couple of days again.  I knew I was hitting a rough patch but I've been unable to do anything to avoid it.  Yesterday was so bad Mary was worried she may have to get me to A&E and I was helpless as it gripped me tighter and tighter.  Times like this I wonder at the futility of fighting any longer but you know me I'll just keep trudging along.

That bastard dog is back

Why do good things in life have to dragged down by the bad?  Even though Samantha has just had our third grand child and we have just moved to a better place for Mary, I am still struggling with another bad bout of depression.  Again I'm tired all the time yet I am struggling to sleep, struggling to find the motivation to want to do anything unless I have to.  I am even struggling to get excited about the birth of Noah.  Mood swings and twitches are back as is the danger of not controlling my eating and putting the weight I had lost back on.  I'm finding myself having anxiety attacks again and these will probably end up as panic attacks.  Makes me wonder if its worth bothering trying to carry on, If I was alone I don't think I would bother trying to be honest.  I'm actually sat here now wonder what would be the best way to go.  I'm not going to do it but I  can't stop the thinking about it.

I have felt this one coming for a while brought on by problems at work.  I had been trying to ignore them and done my best not to let them drag me down but I failed and had a minor breakdown at work last week.  I have been to see my doctor who has placed me on sick leave due to work related stress.  I can't go into details of what is causing the stress at the moment but it is being investigated by HR and I'm waiting to hear from them  As a result of what is going on I have asked to be redeployed to another department away from a job I love.

I really thought that the dog was caged last time but the bastard thing keeps finding ways to get out to chew a bit more from my soul, soon I can't see there being much left.

I know I'll just keep fighting I always do but it just gets harder and harder each time nd I can honestly say I don't know how much fight I've got left.

Another Year On

So it's coming round to Christmas again - yet another year passed in the cycle of life, BUT unlike the previous couple of years this one has been almost normal.  I won't say it's been totally without problems but on the whole the downs have been massively out weighed by the ups or even the "ordinary".  Unfortunately the last couple of months have put a real strain on my progress.  The death of my cousin Glenda who lost her struggle to cancer in October was a sad note as well as a reminder of my own mortality - she is the first of my generation to die and so I can see that we are no longer the "youth" of the clan there are two more levels below me now so they are now the ones who will carry on the family traditions.

But the last three weeks have been the hardest since my mother died 5 years ago.  Many of my childhood memories revolve around my extended family especially my dads big sister.  Be it simply social visits, hair cuts, baking. huge family day trips to the coast, holidays at the caravan or just sitting and catching up.  One of the bedrocks of all those memories is my Aunty Mavis, she is central to almost as many memories of good times as my own mother.  In fact she has always seemed like a second mum to me if not the rest of the Slater extended family.  She was an incredible woman, fiercely protective of all her boys and I don't just mean her sons I mean all us, as well as daughters in law and grandchildren.  She became ill in March and was rushed into Pinderfields twice and spent the the rest of her time being moved between various locations until she came home for a short time in late October early November where I was privileged to be one of the people she trusted to stay with her at home to help care a for her.  Unfortunately she wasn't really fit to be home and she was returned to Pinderfields where she finally lost her strength and passed away piecefully with family around her.
Her funeral was a moving and upsetting event for many but I think we did her the justice she deserved. I was honoured to be allowed to do a reading for her as well help her sons carry her out at the end.  She had left specific instructions - or should I say orders, as to what she wanted (those who knew her will know just what I mean) and the choice she made for her leaving the church reduced most of the family of my generation to tears.  My grandmother was another big influence in my life and many years ago my cousin made a recording of her singing The Old Rugged Cross and this was what was Mavis's wanted as she left.  The voice of my grandmother who passed over 20 years ago brought back even more memories and as we carried her out it seemed so appropriate.  The party afterwards wasn't a sad affair it was a celebration with all the banter she used to love and enjoy and I know she would have been in the thick of it before sneaking off to do the washing up, just like she did at her sons wedding.

Goodbye Aunty Mavis I love you and miss you so much and I'm glad your at piece now and reunited with Dennis.

Looking back over the last year I can see myself returning to myself and no doubt others can too, hopefully even better than I can.  The support of friends and family have all made a massive contribution to my continued normality - I won't say recovery as I don't believe that once the dog has decided he likes the taste of you he ever goes away for good, he's always hanging around for another bite.  Good friends, even better family, starting going to the gym regularly as well as a super wife who has had her own troubles have all made this year possible

Round 2

It's been about a year since my last post and it has been another year of ups and another year of deep downs.  The Black dog has had another go and sunk his teeth in to me again and I actually felt I was a danger to myself and possibly others.  Luckily I realised just how bad I was and how lucky I was to have such wonderful friends at hand who were able to take me to hospital to get the help I needed.  You know who you are and I don't think I will ever be able to thank or repay you.

He came back on the scene at the very end of July and has been slowly loosening his grip since.  I have had my moments again I have been withdrawn and suffered from panic attacks again.  I have had sudden attacks of temper towards other people for no real reason - maybe it was frustration maybe just another side of the dog baring it's teeth.  What ever caused it I am truly and deeply sorry and it has been weighing heavy on my heart.  Unknown to myself I have also been snapping and been thoroughly unpleasant to those around me. How they coped with me I will never understand.  I do regret it all as the last thing I want to do is hurt and upset those I love, I just didn't know that I was being so irrational and grumpy.

But recently I had thought and felt I had been doing well and was well on the road to winning this round with him.  I was making plans hoping to go back to work, I had spoken to occupational health and my manger and a phased return to work plan was decided to be the best course of action.  I discussed it with my GP and he agreed.  So two weeks ago I went to see him and he decided that he would give me a sick note for two weeks and then a phased return to work note.  All systems go! Or so I thought.  I went back to see him yesterday and he said that no he wouldn't give me a return note as he didn't think I was ready yet - give until the new year and then come see me and we will look at it again.  I can't bloody win his decision knocked me sideways and felt almost back to square one again.  I guess I he does know best, but it still hurts to realise that things weren't going as well as I thought.

 But I won't surrender I won't let the bastard win, and with the support of my unbelievable family and friends I will be back to my old self again.

First Month Back

My last post was after my first day back and now I have finished my first month.  I can't say it has got much easier, in fact in some ways it has been harder.  especially a client I delivered to with a name than means a lot to me.  Things are slowly improving with my colleagues - well some of them, but if those who are having more trouble than the rest feel that way I'm not going to let them get me down again.  They will come round one day and if they don't that's life and as long as we can work together professionally then fine.  Maybe once we have got Christmas out of the way things will improve.

Just like the last few months there have been ups and downs, good days and bad there have days when I have had the shakes and others where I have wanted to find a hole and crawl into it  but I'm taking them one day at a time - it's all I can do.  Something that I am doing that is both helping and not helping at the same time is staying at my fathers a two or three nights a week.  On the up side this saves both money for fuel and the stress of the drive from home to work and back.  On the down side I'm away from home and my Mary and I'm not sure that is worth what it saves.  Either way I know I still have a long road to travel to get myself back and get that bloody dog sorted once and for all,

New Milestone

Well yesterday was the day I actually returned to work. I have been away since the 8th of June. Admittedly I am only working half days for now but I have still taken that huge step. I can't say it was easy and did suffer from quite a bit of anxiety but I still did it, I walked into work and did what I had to do. The reception from my colleagues has been somewhat frosty but I can't expect things to be as if nothing happened, The ladies in the office were wonderful and that helped. All I can do is get myself back into the swing of things and let things work themselves out.


Once in work I have been out doing my normal things and I have had a couple of "wobbles" but nothing big enough to derail me. In fact I had a lady today telling me how wonderful it was to have me deliver her equipment and that I was a real gentleman and how much I had cheered her up with my smile. Meeting people like that is a big part of what makes me love my work and I look forward to making other people feel better.


I'm not going to say the dog is caged but for now I think he is at bay!

Good News

Yes I know it has been ages since I last posted - just couldn't think of anything to say - maybe I should have just rambled who knows LOL.  But today I have been to see occupational health and my doctor and I have been given a return to work date Monday the 5TH November.  I won't be going back full time straight away - the plan is to start on a 4 week phased return building up to my full hours with weekly meetings with my manager as and when and if I need them.

When I started writing this blog it was my first ever attempt at doing anything like this and I had no idea as to how it would help, but it has.  Now I can see the real light at the end of the tunnel and this black dog is almost caged.  Whether this has had anything to do with what I shared here on not I couldn't say, but the feed back I have had from all my friends who have read this has helped so I guess in that way it has.  Now all I want to do is get my life back and start to be "ME" again.

So in this, what I hope will be the last post in this period on my life, I want to thank all of you who have given me support and friendship.  Who have been there even when going through your own trials and troubles.  Without you all I would have been in a bad place still with no light ahead.

 So in closing I'm looking forward to seeing you all very soon for a beer or two and Oh! watch your backs - the Monkey will be released at an event near you!!!!!!!

Alan,.

If this is progress I wonder how bad reversal is

I know it has been a while since I last posted but I thought I was progressing and the dog had wondered off for a while but the last week has shown me that it has only been hiding.

Just over a week ago Rhi, my step daughter, rang me to ask advice about a pain she was having in her abdomen.  I immediately thought her appendix but it was the wrong side.  I told her phone the doc and to cut a long story short she was admitted to hospital to find out what it was:  She is still there and the/we are no closer to finding out what it is.  It's so hard to watch her suffer she is in almost constant pain and she is being given morphine to try to control it but it's not helping a great deal.  On top of that the first days she was in there we were having to take food into her as the kitchen at the hospital couldn't understand that she can't eat anything with dairy in it.  The number of times they sent food up for her supposedly dairy free but not.  One of the kitchen staff even came up and had a go at her for it.  To try to get something sorted Mary wrote to the complaints office and the catering manager came to apologise to Rhi and bring her the menu and form she should have been given on day 1, but something as simple as getting food that isn't life threatening to someone should be easy not a problem.

It makes me feel totally useless and no good to her because I can't do anything to help even though there is nothing I can do.  It doesn't help that myself and especially Mary and stressed about it for her and we both are miss understanding each other which is making me feel worse because I am worried that I may upset or stress her out even more and she is worried that she may do the same to me and knowing that is just multiplying how shit I am feeling.  I felt that bad the other evening I thought I was loosing the one thing that has been keeping me sane - the paranoia in my head was that bad.  Even the good work I have been doing by starting to go to the gym has felt undone.  Yes I can feel I have started to improve my fitness and I had thought I was improving my mood but because of the shit going on I have struggled this week to go as often I want to - only been twice so far this week.

The effect Rhi being in hospital is really upsetting and worrying Mary and to see her so wound up, worried, scared angry and at times withdrawn is breaking my heart. I want to help her but again I feel useless and think maybe she would be better with out me dragging her down at a time she can do without it.  But I also so know that if I wasn't there she would have fallen apart but the dog is doing it's best to kill that knowledge.

Then on Saturday I had to spend the day in another hospital with Sam my eldest daughter.  This wasn't unexpected as she was having a scheduled surgery but it's the second time this year she has had to have an op - she has now had both knees reconstructed she is only 24 for gods sake - it's a birth defect the surgeon told her but not one that she inherited - how does he know?  I haven't been able to get the idea that I have passed on a faulty gene that has caused her some much trouble and no matter how often she says it's not from me it won't stop the thought.

All I can do right now is grit my teeth and do my best to support them all and leave my own problems to be dealt with when I can't hold them back any more.

Tired

Well the first three days of this week have been crap - Monday I got a letter about the assessment by occupational health at work.  Tuesday had to go for the assessment, really struggled with it was so worked up and stressed in the lead up to it and, while I was there, I was informed I am also suffering from stress. I then forgot I was supposed to be going to the in laws for tea  So had to dash back from my daughters.  Then Wednesday I had to go see my doctor for my regular assessment as well as going to see my weight loss therapist.  So again I was stressed with the dashing about.

But I have to admit it hasn't been all bad.  I actually started going to a gym on Monday and have been Monday Tuesday and twice today (Thursday)  and I am now feeling so tired.  I'm not sleeping - the heat and the mental problems keeping me awake as well as the stress for the negative things this week have exhausted me roll on the cooler weather when I may manage to rest.

Egg Shells Pt2

After such a positive day yesterday I was hoping to have a decent one today - the weather is good and I had made plans to do some simple stuff round the house but then the post arrived.  I mentioned a phone call I received last week in an earlier blog and how it badly upset and unsettled me.  Well I have just received the confirmation letter and again I have been unsettled.  In the "sensible" part of my head I know it will just be a simple form letter that they send to everyone when they need to see them but, the language used seems so threatening with sections that say: " Please feel free to discuss this letter with your union or other representative, who can,if you wish, be present when you attend your appointment."  Shortly followed by "It is a requirement of conditions of service that you attend for this appointment, even if you return to work prior to the appointment date."  If they are talking union reps does this mean that they are planning something or what?  Sometimes I hate the people I work for they appear to be caring and understanding on one side and on the other they are just waiting to shit on you.

Why do I bother?  The egg shells just got stepped on.

Egg Shells

Yesterday was one of the best days I have had in a long time.  An unplanned visit to see good friends in Wakefield with a visit to an under threat educational museum open day.  The weather was good, the company was even better.  I actually almost felt like myself.  But I couldn't ditch the feeling of fragility as if I was made out of the finest bone china, crystal or eggshells.  One tap and they will shatter and that was just how I felt.  But I still managed to  have a good day.


How long will I have that feeling when I am having a good day?  I don't know - no one does.  It's almost as if there is a part of me who feels guilty about having fun, a little nagging voice that won't shut up or go away.  But I will beat it, the support of all my friends will get me there.


Thank You for yesterday Adam & Emma


Thank you to all my friends for their words of support and encouragement.

Feeling Mistrusted

Today felt like it was going to be a neutral sort of day until I answered the phone call I just received.  On the surface it was pleasant voice on the other end and the woman sounded nice.  But it was from occupational health at work and I have to go in to see them next week.  One half of me  knows it will just be procedure and that they have to do these things but it is making feel that they think I am lying and just swinging the lead and they need check up on me.  I'm am now shaking and close to a panic attack for nothing.  I know I should have nothing to be concerned about - I have doctors notes and it is on my medical records that I am ill but I still can't stop the feeling of being under suspicion.  For gods sake do they not believe what my doctor says?

I know I shouldn't be getting myself worked up like this but I can't stop myself.  What are they going to say what are they going to do what will they say about me and my biggest worry is do they think I am lying.  All those and more are now tumbling around in my head and I just knoew they will be there all weekend until I have been to see them, and even when I have I will be worrying about what the result will be.

All I can do is just wait and se and hope I can hold it together.