Today has been a good day - I have felt almost normal. Not my usual self but better than I have been. I don't know why some days are better than others or others worse than I like. All I know is at the moment the bad days out number the good ones.
When I get up I can usually tell if it's going to be a good one or a bad one but sometimes the bad ones creep up on me and those are usually the worse days. No matter what I do or say or what people say to me,I still feel worthless, a failure and that nobody actually cares. My stomach feels knotted and I feel so much bottled up rage and frustration. I shake, I fidget and can't settle or concentrate and I have developed a twitch that appears when I'm having a bad day. I feel trapped and close to panic - sometimes it does turn into panic and I just have to get out of the house. I usually just get in the car and go. I don't have any idea of where I'm going but I just have to go. Recently I have found myself driving to junction 22 of the M62 and taking the old road towards Oldham, about half a mile up there there is a simple unofficial parking area used by HGV's to park overnight. Once I get there I might start to feel better - other times I don't and just have to do my best to hang on.
Today has been a good day. I didn't do or feel any of the above and I didn't drive anywhere apart from to get Mary from work. I hope it starts to turn round and that the good out numbers the bad.
That's where Brady used to go!!!!
ReplyDelete