Struggling

Had a rough couple of days again.  I knew I was hitting a rough patch but I've been unable to do anything to avoid it.  Yesterday was so bad Mary was worried she may have to get me to A&E and I was helpless as it gripped me tighter and tighter.  Times like this I wonder at the futility of fighting any longer but you know me I'll just keep trudging along.

That bastard dog is back

Why do good things in life have to dragged down by the bad?  Even though Samantha has just had our third grand child and we have just moved to a better place for Mary, I am still struggling with another bad bout of depression.  Again I'm tired all the time yet I am struggling to sleep, struggling to find the motivation to want to do anything unless I have to.  I am even struggling to get excited about the birth of Noah.  Mood swings and twitches are back as is the danger of not controlling my eating and putting the weight I had lost back on.  I'm finding myself having anxiety attacks again and these will probably end up as panic attacks.  Makes me wonder if its worth bothering trying to carry on, If I was alone I don't think I would bother trying to be honest.  I'm actually sat here now wonder what would be the best way to go.  I'm not going to do it but I  can't stop the thinking about it.

I have felt this one coming for a while brought on by problems at work.  I had been trying to ignore them and done my best not to let them drag me down but I failed and had a minor breakdown at work last week.  I have been to see my doctor who has placed me on sick leave due to work related stress.  I can't go into details of what is causing the stress at the moment but it is being investigated by HR and I'm waiting to hear from them  As a result of what is going on I have asked to be redeployed to another department away from a job I love.

I really thought that the dog was caged last time but the bastard thing keeps finding ways to get out to chew a bit more from my soul, soon I can't see there being much left.

I know I'll just keep fighting I always do but it just gets harder and harder each time nd I can honestly say I don't know how much fight I've got left.

Another Year On

So it's coming round to Christmas again - yet another year passed in the cycle of life, BUT unlike the previous couple of years this one has been almost normal.  I won't say it's been totally without problems but on the whole the downs have been massively out weighed by the ups or even the "ordinary".  Unfortunately the last couple of months have put a real strain on my progress.  The death of my cousin Glenda who lost her struggle to cancer in October was a sad note as well as a reminder of my own mortality - she is the first of my generation to die and so I can see that we are no longer the "youth" of the clan there are two more levels below me now so they are now the ones who will carry on the family traditions.

But the last three weeks have been the hardest since my mother died 5 years ago.  Many of my childhood memories revolve around my extended family especially my dads big sister.  Be it simply social visits, hair cuts, baking. huge family day trips to the coast, holidays at the caravan or just sitting and catching up.  One of the bedrocks of all those memories is my Aunty Mavis, she is central to almost as many memories of good times as my own mother.  In fact she has always seemed like a second mum to me if not the rest of the Slater extended family.  She was an incredible woman, fiercely protective of all her boys and I don't just mean her sons I mean all us, as well as daughters in law and grandchildren.  She became ill in March and was rushed into Pinderfields twice and spent the the rest of her time being moved between various locations until she came home for a short time in late October early November where I was privileged to be one of the people she trusted to stay with her at home to help care a for her.  Unfortunately she wasn't really fit to be home and she was returned to Pinderfields where she finally lost her strength and passed away piecefully with family around her.
Her funeral was a moving and upsetting event for many but I think we did her the justice she deserved. I was honoured to be allowed to do a reading for her as well help her sons carry her out at the end.  She had left specific instructions - or should I say orders, as to what she wanted (those who knew her will know just what I mean) and the choice she made for her leaving the church reduced most of the family of my generation to tears.  My grandmother was another big influence in my life and many years ago my cousin made a recording of her singing The Old Rugged Cross and this was what was Mavis's wanted as she left.  The voice of my grandmother who passed over 20 years ago brought back even more memories and as we carried her out it seemed so appropriate.  The party afterwards wasn't a sad affair it was a celebration with all the banter she used to love and enjoy and I know she would have been in the thick of it before sneaking off to do the washing up, just like she did at her sons wedding.

Goodbye Aunty Mavis I love you and miss you so much and I'm glad your at piece now and reunited with Dennis.

Looking back over the last year I can see myself returning to myself and no doubt others can too, hopefully even better than I can.  The support of friends and family have all made a massive contribution to my continued normality - I won't say recovery as I don't believe that once the dog has decided he likes the taste of you he ever goes away for good, he's always hanging around for another bite.  Good friends, even better family, starting going to the gym regularly as well as a super wife who has had her own troubles have all made this year possible

Round 2

It's been about a year since my last post and it has been another year of ups and another year of deep downs.  The Black dog has had another go and sunk his teeth in to me again and I actually felt I was a danger to myself and possibly others.  Luckily I realised just how bad I was and how lucky I was to have such wonderful friends at hand who were able to take me to hospital to get the help I needed.  You know who you are and I don't think I will ever be able to thank or repay you.

He came back on the scene at the very end of July and has been slowly loosening his grip since.  I have had my moments again I have been withdrawn and suffered from panic attacks again.  I have had sudden attacks of temper towards other people for no real reason - maybe it was frustration maybe just another side of the dog baring it's teeth.  What ever caused it I am truly and deeply sorry and it has been weighing heavy on my heart.  Unknown to myself I have also been snapping and been thoroughly unpleasant to those around me. How they coped with me I will never understand.  I do regret it all as the last thing I want to do is hurt and upset those I love, I just didn't know that I was being so irrational and grumpy.

But recently I had thought and felt I had been doing well and was well on the road to winning this round with him.  I was making plans hoping to go back to work, I had spoken to occupational health and my manger and a phased return to work plan was decided to be the best course of action.  I discussed it with my GP and he agreed.  So two weeks ago I went to see him and he decided that he would give me a sick note for two weeks and then a phased return to work note.  All systems go! Or so I thought.  I went back to see him yesterday and he said that no he wouldn't give me a return note as he didn't think I was ready yet - give until the new year and then come see me and we will look at it again.  I can't bloody win his decision knocked me sideways and felt almost back to square one again.  I guess I he does know best, but it still hurts to realise that things weren't going as well as I thought.

 But I won't surrender I won't let the bastard win, and with the support of my unbelievable family and friends I will be back to my old self again.

First Month Back

My last post was after my first day back and now I have finished my first month.  I can't say it has got much easier, in fact in some ways it has been harder.  especially a client I delivered to with a name than means a lot to me.  Things are slowly improving with my colleagues - well some of them, but if those who are having more trouble than the rest feel that way I'm not going to let them get me down again.  They will come round one day and if they don't that's life and as long as we can work together professionally then fine.  Maybe once we have got Christmas out of the way things will improve.

Just like the last few months there have been ups and downs, good days and bad there have days when I have had the shakes and others where I have wanted to find a hole and crawl into it  but I'm taking them one day at a time - it's all I can do.  Something that I am doing that is both helping and not helping at the same time is staying at my fathers a two or three nights a week.  On the up side this saves both money for fuel and the stress of the drive from home to work and back.  On the down side I'm away from home and my Mary and I'm not sure that is worth what it saves.  Either way I know I still have a long road to travel to get myself back and get that bloody dog sorted once and for all,

New Milestone

Well yesterday was the day I actually returned to work. I have been away since the 8th of June. Admittedly I am only working half days for now but I have still taken that huge step. I can't say it was easy and did suffer from quite a bit of anxiety but I still did it, I walked into work and did what I had to do. The reception from my colleagues has been somewhat frosty but I can't expect things to be as if nothing happened, The ladies in the office were wonderful and that helped. All I can do is get myself back into the swing of things and let things work themselves out.


Once in work I have been out doing my normal things and I have had a couple of "wobbles" but nothing big enough to derail me. In fact I had a lady today telling me how wonderful it was to have me deliver her equipment and that I was a real gentleman and how much I had cheered her up with my smile. Meeting people like that is a big part of what makes me love my work and I look forward to making other people feel better.


I'm not going to say the dog is caged but for now I think he is at bay!

Good News

Yes I know it has been ages since I last posted - just couldn't think of anything to say - maybe I should have just rambled who knows LOL.  But today I have been to see occupational health and my doctor and I have been given a return to work date Monday the 5TH November.  I won't be going back full time straight away - the plan is to start on a 4 week phased return building up to my full hours with weekly meetings with my manager as and when and if I need them.

When I started writing this blog it was my first ever attempt at doing anything like this and I had no idea as to how it would help, but it has.  Now I can see the real light at the end of the tunnel and this black dog is almost caged.  Whether this has had anything to do with what I shared here on not I couldn't say, but the feed back I have had from all my friends who have read this has helped so I guess in that way it has.  Now all I want to do is get my life back and start to be "ME" again.

So in this, what I hope will be the last post in this period on my life, I want to thank all of you who have given me support and friendship.  Who have been there even when going through your own trials and troubles.  Without you all I would have been in a bad place still with no light ahead.

 So in closing I'm looking forward to seeing you all very soon for a beer or two and Oh! watch your backs - the Monkey will be released at an event near you!!!!!!!

Alan,.