New Milestone

Well yesterday was the day I actually returned to work. I have been away since the 8th of June. Admittedly I am only working half days for now but I have still taken that huge step. I can't say it was easy and did suffer from quite a bit of anxiety but I still did it, I walked into work and did what I had to do. The reception from my colleagues has been somewhat frosty but I can't expect things to be as if nothing happened, The ladies in the office were wonderful and that helped. All I can do is get myself back into the swing of things and let things work themselves out.


Once in work I have been out doing my normal things and I have had a couple of "wobbles" but nothing big enough to derail me. In fact I had a lady today telling me how wonderful it was to have me deliver her equipment and that I was a real gentleman and how much I had cheered her up with my smile. Meeting people like that is a big part of what makes me love my work and I look forward to making other people feel better.


I'm not going to say the dog is caged but for now I think he is at bay!

Good News

Yes I know it has been ages since I last posted - just couldn't think of anything to say - maybe I should have just rambled who knows LOL.  But today I have been to see occupational health and my doctor and I have been given a return to work date Monday the 5TH November.  I won't be going back full time straight away - the plan is to start on a 4 week phased return building up to my full hours with weekly meetings with my manager as and when and if I need them.

When I started writing this blog it was my first ever attempt at doing anything like this and I had no idea as to how it would help, but it has.  Now I can see the real light at the end of the tunnel and this black dog is almost caged.  Whether this has had anything to do with what I shared here on not I couldn't say, but the feed back I have had from all my friends who have read this has helped so I guess in that way it has.  Now all I want to do is get my life back and start to be "ME" again.

So in this, what I hope will be the last post in this period on my life, I want to thank all of you who have given me support and friendship.  Who have been there even when going through your own trials and troubles.  Without you all I would have been in a bad place still with no light ahead.

 So in closing I'm looking forward to seeing you all very soon for a beer or two and Oh! watch your backs - the Monkey will be released at an event near you!!!!!!!

Alan,.

If this is progress I wonder how bad reversal is

I know it has been a while since I last posted but I thought I was progressing and the dog had wondered off for a while but the last week has shown me that it has only been hiding.

Just over a week ago Rhi, my step daughter, rang me to ask advice about a pain she was having in her abdomen.  I immediately thought her appendix but it was the wrong side.  I told her phone the doc and to cut a long story short she was admitted to hospital to find out what it was:  She is still there and the/we are no closer to finding out what it is.  It's so hard to watch her suffer she is in almost constant pain and she is being given morphine to try to control it but it's not helping a great deal.  On top of that the first days she was in there we were having to take food into her as the kitchen at the hospital couldn't understand that she can't eat anything with dairy in it.  The number of times they sent food up for her supposedly dairy free but not.  One of the kitchen staff even came up and had a go at her for it.  To try to get something sorted Mary wrote to the complaints office and the catering manager came to apologise to Rhi and bring her the menu and form she should have been given on day 1, but something as simple as getting food that isn't life threatening to someone should be easy not a problem.

It makes me feel totally useless and no good to her because I can't do anything to help even though there is nothing I can do.  It doesn't help that myself and especially Mary and stressed about it for her and we both are miss understanding each other which is making me feel worse because I am worried that I may upset or stress her out even more and she is worried that she may do the same to me and knowing that is just multiplying how shit I am feeling.  I felt that bad the other evening I thought I was loosing the one thing that has been keeping me sane - the paranoia in my head was that bad.  Even the good work I have been doing by starting to go to the gym has felt undone.  Yes I can feel I have started to improve my fitness and I had thought I was improving my mood but because of the shit going on I have struggled this week to go as often I want to - only been twice so far this week.

The effect Rhi being in hospital is really upsetting and worrying Mary and to see her so wound up, worried, scared angry and at times withdrawn is breaking my heart. I want to help her but again I feel useless and think maybe she would be better with out me dragging her down at a time she can do without it.  But I also so know that if I wasn't there she would have fallen apart but the dog is doing it's best to kill that knowledge.

Then on Saturday I had to spend the day in another hospital with Sam my eldest daughter.  This wasn't unexpected as she was having a scheduled surgery but it's the second time this year she has had to have an op - she has now had both knees reconstructed she is only 24 for gods sake - it's a birth defect the surgeon told her but not one that she inherited - how does he know?  I haven't been able to get the idea that I have passed on a faulty gene that has caused her some much trouble and no matter how often she says it's not from me it won't stop the thought.

All I can do right now is grit my teeth and do my best to support them all and leave my own problems to be dealt with when I can't hold them back any more.

Tired

Well the first three days of this week have been crap - Monday I got a letter about the assessment by occupational health at work.  Tuesday had to go for the assessment, really struggled with it was so worked up and stressed in the lead up to it and, while I was there, I was informed I am also suffering from stress. I then forgot I was supposed to be going to the in laws for tea  So had to dash back from my daughters.  Then Wednesday I had to go see my doctor for my regular assessment as well as going to see my weight loss therapist.  So again I was stressed with the dashing about.

But I have to admit it hasn't been all bad.  I actually started going to a gym on Monday and have been Monday Tuesday and twice today (Thursday)  and I am now feeling so tired.  I'm not sleeping - the heat and the mental problems keeping me awake as well as the stress for the negative things this week have exhausted me roll on the cooler weather when I may manage to rest.

Egg Shells Pt2

After such a positive day yesterday I was hoping to have a decent one today - the weather is good and I had made plans to do some simple stuff round the house but then the post arrived.  I mentioned a phone call I received last week in an earlier blog and how it badly upset and unsettled me.  Well I have just received the confirmation letter and again I have been unsettled.  In the "sensible" part of my head I know it will just be a simple form letter that they send to everyone when they need to see them but, the language used seems so threatening with sections that say: " Please feel free to discuss this letter with your union or other representative, who can,if you wish, be present when you attend your appointment."  Shortly followed by "It is a requirement of conditions of service that you attend for this appointment, even if you return to work prior to the appointment date."  If they are talking union reps does this mean that they are planning something or what?  Sometimes I hate the people I work for they appear to be caring and understanding on one side and on the other they are just waiting to shit on you.

Why do I bother?  The egg shells just got stepped on.

Egg Shells

Yesterday was one of the best days I have had in a long time.  An unplanned visit to see good friends in Wakefield with a visit to an under threat educational museum open day.  The weather was good, the company was even better.  I actually almost felt like myself.  But I couldn't ditch the feeling of fragility as if I was made out of the finest bone china, crystal or eggshells.  One tap and they will shatter and that was just how I felt.  But I still managed to  have a good day.


How long will I have that feeling when I am having a good day?  I don't know - no one does.  It's almost as if there is a part of me who feels guilty about having fun, a little nagging voice that won't shut up or go away.  But I will beat it, the support of all my friends will get me there.


Thank You for yesterday Adam & Emma


Thank you to all my friends for their words of support and encouragement.

Feeling Mistrusted

Today felt like it was going to be a neutral sort of day until I answered the phone call I just received.  On the surface it was pleasant voice on the other end and the woman sounded nice.  But it was from occupational health at work and I have to go in to see them next week.  One half of me  knows it will just be procedure and that they have to do these things but it is making feel that they think I am lying and just swinging the lead and they need check up on me.  I'm am now shaking and close to a panic attack for nothing.  I know I should have nothing to be concerned about - I have doctors notes and it is on my medical records that I am ill but I still can't stop the feeling of being under suspicion.  For gods sake do they not believe what my doctor says?

I know I shouldn't be getting myself worked up like this but I can't stop myself.  What are they going to say what are they going to do what will they say about me and my biggest worry is do they think I am lying.  All those and more are now tumbling around in my head and I just knoew they will be there all weekend until I have been to see them, and even when I have I will be worrying about what the result will be.

All I can do is just wait and se and hope I can hold it together.