2 Steps forward 1 step back

    So I'm here again trying to put my thoughts in order and make sense of the chaos that is running through my head.  I know it has been a while since I last wrote anything but thats the way my brain works and I only feel the need when things are getting to a point where I need to put them down before they spill out in other less constructive ways.  

    These "less constructive ways" scare me when the feeling comes into my head.  I mean last time they got a good hold of me was Christmas Day 2019, I mentioned it in my last post but didn't really go into any detail.  In brief after a double shift at work I got home and on an empty stomach I started to drink - I filled a pint glass with sparkling wine poured what was left in the bottle down my throat and then proceded to do the same with the pint glass, I then started on the whisky and after roughly a third of a bottle I realised I was having a crisis and had the sense to call a crisis help line.  Luckily they took my details and address as they were trying to talk me down - I was still drinking while I was talking to them.  I can't remember much of what I was saying to them due to the alcholic blur that had developed, but I do remember I said something along the lines of "Fuck it, I can't be arsed, talking isn't going to solve anything, I'm going to the garage and getting a couple of gallons of unleaded and I'll sort things out myself "  I then hung up on them.  The thing that scares me most now is that I then got in my car with my wallet and set off to do just that.  I was going to go get petrol and burn what I saw as the cause of my distress.  I started to drive around the block and, after the wine and what was by then in excess of a half bottle of whisky, my driving was dangerous.  So I drove completely arround the block and parked up and went back in. Now the thing is - it wasn't fear of what I was planning to do that stopped me, I had no problems with that part, I was as concerned about doing that as I would be throwing an empty bag in the bin.  What stopped me was the fear I may damage my car, nothing more than that.  Not long after I got back into the flat the police arrived to do a wellfair check and they took my car keys to the station.   Certain places and people were very very lucky that night that I was worried about the car.

So; I am now living with Donna, we have a quirky cottage that has 2 bedrooms and a room that is too small to be a bedroom but is where I have my computer, spread over 3 floors  It has a huge back garden that I have started to get into some semblance of order considering I'm not a gardener it will probably just end up being grassed.  My metal health is still not good and anxiety is still a regular visitor.  Then there are nights like tonight where I can't sleep because of the chaos and thoughts in my head arguing with each other.  Nights like this scare me as I know if I gave in a dish best served cold would be served hot.

Life is Shit

I will probably never publish this but I’m writing it anyway.

It’s been a long time since I last added anything to this but things have changed massively in life since the last entry.  In brief work was going fine - I wasn’t aware of any problems until something happened, something I know I was involved in but I am convinced was caused maliciously by someone to cause trouble.  This caused my mental health and confidence to plummet and, after some hard thoughts and talks with Mary I decided to quit and we decided to move to Scotland to make fresh start.  I found a place for us in village called Galston where we had "friends" and we moved in April.  

Things were going well; I had been offered 3 different jobs and had started one.  My mental health had been poor but it was improving.  I had started to try my hand at knife making and had just finished my first effort – a seax for Mary. Then the bottom fell out of my world when my out of the blue after a minor spat I freely admit I caused my “loving wife” turned round and told me our marriage was over. Something I believe she had been planning for a while due to the speed and ease she did everything. I stayed with the "friends" in the village for a few days until I finally lost my temper after being told I had never tried to be or been a decent husband, which ended up with the police being called after I head butted a hole in a door and kicked in the side door of the garage open to get to my stuff that had been dumped in there after being refused access to it.  I was confused, shocked, upset, devastated, frustrated - words can't express how I felt.

I walked out of the job I had started and went home to Yorkshire. All I had was some compensation money I had just received that had been put away for a holiday and a car full of some belongings.  An old friend who had also recently suffered a loss was supportive and gave me a place to try to put my head back into some kind of order.  My family also tried their best to help support me and give me something to live for - something I had great difficulty seeing myself.  I was even sat on the bed with a couple of boxes worth of tablets in my hand - fortunately I didn't have a drink to hand or they would have been swallowed.  But I do now have other scars added to older ones.

I had accepted the final job I had been offered just before I went back to my dad’s but I decided I wouldn't be able to take it so I emailed them to say I would no longer be able to start work with them and thanked them for the opportunity.  But a week or so later I received an email from them regarding me using them as an employment referee for somewhere to live in Scotland saying that they would be happy to do so.  It turned out that the person who was my contact had been on leave and had yet to read the email I had sent about not starting work with them.  I thought for a short time and decided that no I wasn't going to waste the chance of a job and contacted them.  I explained what had happened and that I still wanted the job but I wasn't able to start on the expected date.  Luckily, they were willing to put back the start date which gave me chance to find somewhere to live here in Scotland.  I managed to find a flat and I started work mid-September.  I received some more compensation and decided to get a smaller car with it.

Since then I believe for a time someone was deliberately trying to provoke me into losing control again.  Threats of tipping my belongings still in the house if I didn’t collect them when they said no matter what I was working – dead lines given to move stuff but only when convenient to them, threats to spread lies about me to others, accusations made against me regarding things they only know part of.  People being told that I was going to strip everything out of the house.  Being accused of emptying the bank account – spending any money I had at the time on myself.  Yet when pointed out that the bed someone was sleeping in, the wardrobe someone’s clothes were hanging in had been bought with what money I had had at the time didn’t matter.  In fact, I had just ordered a covered swing seat and lawn mower with my first months pay and some of the compensation money I had received. 

After I had started work, I decided I had to try get myself back to “normal” (what ever normal is) and ended up meeting someone online.  Someone special who I am now in a relationship with.  But even that has been used against me to try to cause trouble as, apparently I only wanted to move to Scotland in the first place was because I was having an affair with this lady and wanted to be closer to her.  I wonder where these people get these ridiculous ideas from and what satisfaction they get from spreading such malicious lies.

As things stand right now I am still struggling with my mental health – depression and anxiety are regular visitors – I had a real melt down at Christmas which ended up with the police at my flat to check I was safe as I had called a mental health crisis line and they had serious concerns for my safety and that of others.  Work is “interesting” especially in the midst of the Covid19 lockdown as, as a prison officer I am a key worker.  Shifts are having to change at work to deal with both the external lockdown as well as the preventative one in work.  Things are going ok with my new relationship – well as well as can be expected in the lockdown and neither of us can travel to see each other but we do facetime at least once a day so it could be worse.

Thats enough for now as wrting this has drained me mentally - lets see how things go.

Take care

New Start Underway

Well since my last post things have progressed better than I could have hoped.  I have been confirmed in my my new post and I am now officially have the job.  I have lots of training and tests in front of me before I am fully licensed, but with the support and training I am receiving from my colleagues, I am optimistic I will pass.  I have completed the forms for the Federation and they have been sent in and I am now waiting for my training pack to arrive and, once it does, I can start to get more in depth training on the role.



The team I have joined is a small but great group of people.  I'm not going to go into detail but the support I have received from them all has been fantastic.    Over all the other people I have encountered in this initial period who, whilst not being based at the main work place , have also been great as have the managers and team leaders - I couldn't have asked for more support.



I would be lying if I said I have no regrets about leaving my last work place - I have far more positive memories than negative and I would still be there if it wasn't for recent history.  I loved the sense of satisfaction I got from doing the smallest of changes for our service users. The simplest of things could give them a whole new lease of life, and the resulting smile would brighten the day.  So thank you for the opportunity to make a difference to so many, to make life that little bit easier for many, to help the passing of those who were at the end of their time in their own home with their loved ones and especially to the team members who I still hope to consider friends.



On another even more positive note.  I was brought to having tears in my eyes twice in one evening by my wonderful No2 daughter Rhiannon.  Away with Mary for a few days in Southport, I was the victim of a scheme planned by her, Chelsea and Mary.  We went out for a meal and whilst there I was officially asked by Rhi to be her real Daddy and she presented me with papers that do just that.  She has changed her name to Slater and when she and Chelsea get married that will be their married name.  To think that this wonderful young lady thinks enough of the grumpy old man I can be to want to do this means more than I can say.  I didn't know what to say then and even now I still don't.  That was the first time on that evening she brought tears to my eyes. The second was when she did an industrial piercing on my ear and fitted the bar.  Like my tattoos and other piercings they were done with a specific personal reason to me.  This newest one will now forever mean something special as a memorial to the night I became Rhi's Daddy.

Looking Forward To A New Start

I know its been another long break since my last posting, but I've been a little withdrawn again.  Nothing serious or anything to worry about, I've just been a bit quiet.  Although I did have a serious dip again when I was turned on by people I had thought were among my oldest friends - how wrong I was, Still they need me more than I need them and I have already had numerous offers from others to join them.  Almost 30 years of membership and work blown away by those who should know better.  Their loss not mine.

But on to better news.  I have been place on medical redeployment and I have been offered a work trial in a new position.  Before I agreed to this I spent a day being shown what the new role involves and I can honestly say the prospect and the new job excite me.  Some may think it a little odd in what I am hoping will be become my new career, but I just see it as another way of helping people.  Once, or should I say if, I manage to get through the trial I will have to complete legally required training in order for me gain a licence to carry out the role.  I have a meeting tomorrow so myself and the service manger can agree a program of what I need to do during the trial and once that is sorted I start next week.  At last I'll be back to work with out having to worry about the 3 f**k wits who caused all this.  No longer will I have to be scared that I may **** ***** ***** ** or ***** ***** **** with a ******** ***(Censored - see previous post).  I will be able to go to work without stress, without fear and without worry.  I won't be deliberately isolated and ignored I will be able to speak to work mates and be spoken back too.  I will be able to say "Morning" when I arrive and "Bye" when I leave and get the same back - I can't wait to be useful again.

Another recent high is the news the my daughter Rhi has got engaged to a lovely girl called Chelsea.  Yes I did say a girl not that it makes a single bit off difference to me.  She is still the same person who is grumpy, happy, bubbly, whingy, helpful and disruptive, but most importantly she is still my daughter and if you don't like that fact she is gay then keep it to yourself and move on as I don't want to know you.

Oh I just realised I didn't actually mention what the work trial is for.  Hopefully I'll get the job and then I'll let you know.

Take care

Alan

Apparently I'm a threat

I got a knock at the door yesterday morning about 8:30 while I was holding my 6 month old grandson.  I answered the door and, to my surprise, I found a police constable stood there who was looking for me.  I asked him in and he asked me if I had any idea why he was there, which I didn't.  He then asked if I had any issues at work, which I do.  He then informed me that one of my managers (someone I have never heard of or have a clue who they are),  had called them about my last blog post.  He then quoted sections of the last paragraph to me.  I told him that yes I had said that and that it was from my BLOG.  He seemed almost embarrassed to be there and said a couple of times that he could see I was fine.  He also asked me a couple of times if I was ok and was I sure.  He then said that he could see it was just a rant and that no threat to anyone had been made, and he couldn't understand why anyone though that the police needed to be involved.

If he had been shown the whole post I don't know but if he had, he could have seen it was a rant - somewhere I let off steam and voice my feelings both good and bad, hell there are lots of entries on there where I do just that.  If I had written something like "I am going to get a baseball bat and go sort them out good and proper" or " I'm reapplying for my shotgun ticket so I can get a shotgun and shoot them"  I could understand any concerns but I didn't, all I did was express how I FELT not what I planned

So you can make up your own mind here is the section they quoted:  "So now I am left with the choice - do I go back to a job I love but even more danger of abuse and stigmatization, or do I get my doctor to continue to put me on sick until I have to leave work due to ill health, or do I ask the doctor to eventually sign me fit for work but with change of role?  I don't know what to do or what I want any more - part of me wants to get the baseball bat out and put the wankers in hospital for a long long time.  I was actually thinking of reapplying for a shotgun ticket ready to start re-enacting again next year but somehow I don't think that would be a good idea for them at the moment if had access to a weapon."  Is there any part of that that says I'm going to go out and do anything?

Again something at work has left me feeling confused and anxious with hints of paranoia but I'm not going to let them send me back on a spiral into the jaws of the dog.

Take care 
Alan

Waste of Time

Due to fears of repercussions  I have been advised to remove the original entry I made here.

I removed it only because my wonderful wife Mary asked me to, for NOBODY else would I have done so as I am a believer in Article 10 of  the ECHR.  With out Marys support, care and love I have no doubt I wouldn't still be here today.

This is done with great reluctance on my part as this blog is my way of giving voice to the negative thoughts and feelings that my mental health condition causes me, as well as the good thoughts and feelings and was started by myself to help me get the jumbled mess of thoughts and feelings in my confused, scared, lonely, paranoid mind straight.  One of my former therapists also recomended this as a form of therapy that would be beneficial to me and I have found it to be very cathartic when I feel the need to post.

I have no intention of stopping this blog in the future so watch this space.


European Convention on Human Rights

Article 10 – Freedom of expression 1. Everyone has the right to freedom of expression. This right shall include freedom to hold opinions and to receive and impart information and ideas without interference by public authority and regardless of frontiers. This article shall not prevent States from requiring the licensing of broadcasting, television or cinema enterprises. 2. The exercise of these freedoms, since it carries with it duties and responsibilities, may be subject to such formalities, conditions, restrictions or penalties as are prescribed by law and are necessary in a democratic society, in the interests of national security, territorial integrity or public safety, for the prevention of disorder or crime, for the protection of health or morals, for the protection of the reputation or rights of others, for preventing the disclosure of information received in confidence, or for maintaining the authority and impartiality of the judiciary.

Had to give in

Went to see the doctor yesterday for one of my regular monthly check ups and to get a sick note for work.  After we had a chat and I told him how bad the last couple of weeks had been, he discussed my meds with me and the dose I'm on.  After I told him how I felt about them he asked me what I wanted to do - either stay on the ones I'm on but go to the highest dose OR swap to another medication after being weaned off my current meds first.  I chose to stay with the devil I know and decided to stick with what I've got and the higher dose with the option of changing later.

So took my first dose of 200 mg this morning and once it kicked in, as I knew it would, I've felt crap all day.  Not in my head but physically - I'm edgy, twitchy and feel "wired" like theres a small electric charge running over my skin as well as starting to feel that my head is being stuffed with cotton wool.  I guess this is for the best but I have held off for months if not a year from going to the higher level just because of how I know I'm going to feel for the next couple of weeks.  Logically I know that it's probably for the best but it still feels like a defeat, like the dog is winning.

Guess that all for now as need to go try relax and let the meds do their thing.