I will probably never publish this but I’m writing it anyway.
It’s been a long time since I
last added anything to this but things have changed massively in life since the
last entry. In brief work was going fine - I wasn’t aware of any problems
until something happened, something I know I was involved in but I am convinced
was caused maliciously by someone to cause trouble. This caused my mental
health and confidence to plummet and, after some hard thoughts and talks with
Mary I decided to quit and we decided to move to Scotland to make fresh start.
I found a place for us in village called Galston where we had
"friends" and we moved in April.
Things were going well; I had been offered 3 different jobs and
had started one. My mental health had been poor but it was improving.
I had started to try my hand at knife making and had just finished my
first effort – a seax for Mary. Then the bottom fell out of my world when my
out of the blue after a minor spat I freely admit I caused my “loving wife”
turned round and told me our marriage was over. Something I believe she had
been planning for a while due to the speed and ease she did everything. I
stayed with the "friends" in the village for a few days until I
finally lost my temper after being told I had never tried to be or been a
decent husband, which ended up with the police being called after I head butted
a hole in a door and kicked in the side door of the garage open to get to my
stuff that had been dumped in there after being refused access to it.
I was confused, shocked, upset, devastated, frustrated - words can't
express how I felt.
I walked out of the job I had
started and went home to Yorkshire. All I had was some compensation money I had
just received that had been put away for a holiday and a car full of some
belongings. An old friend who had also recently suffered a loss was
supportive and gave me a place to try to put my head back into some kind of order.
My family also tried their best to help support me and give me something to
live for - something I had great difficulty seeing myself. I was even sat
on the bed with a couple of boxes worth of tablets in my hand - fortunately
I didn't have a drink to hand or they would have been swallowed. But
I do now have other scars added to older ones.
I had accepted the final job I
had been offered just before I went back to my dad’s but I decided I wouldn't
be able to take it so I emailed them to say I would no longer be able to start
work with them and thanked them for the opportunity. But a week or so
later I received an email from them regarding me using them as an employment
referee for somewhere to live in Scotland saying that they would be happy to do
so. It turned out that the person who was my contact had been on leave
and had yet to read the email I had sent about not starting work with
them. I thought for a short time and decided that no I wasn't going to
waste the chance of a job and contacted them. I explained what had
happened and that I still wanted the job but I wasn't able to start on the
expected date. Luckily, they were willing to put back the start date
which gave me chance to find somewhere to live here in Scotland. I managed to find a flat and I started work mid-September. I received some more compensation and decided
to get a smaller car with it.
Since then I believe for a time someone was deliberately trying to
provoke me into losing control again.
Threats of tipping my belongings still in the house if I didn’t collect
them when they said no matter what I was working – dead lines given to move
stuff but only when convenient to them, threats to spread lies about me to
others, accusations made against me regarding things they only know part of. People being told that I was going to strip
everything out of the house. Being
accused of emptying the bank account – spending any money I had at the time on
myself. Yet when pointed out that the
bed someone was sleeping in, the wardrobe someone’s clothes were hanging in had
been bought with what money I had had at the time didn’t matter. In fact, I had just ordered a covered swing
seat and lawn mower with my first months pay and some of the compensation money
I had received.
After I had started work, I decided I had to try get myself back to
“normal” (what ever normal is) and ended up meeting someone online. Someone special who I am now in a
relationship with. But even that has
been used against me to try to cause trouble as, apparently I only wanted to
move to Scotland in the first place was because I was having an affair with this
lady and wanted to be closer to her. I
wonder where these people get these ridiculous ideas from and what satisfaction
they get from spreading such malicious lies.
As things stand right now I am still struggling with my mental
health – depression and anxiety are regular visitors – I had a real melt down
at Christmas which ended up with the police at my flat to check I was safe as I
had called a mental health crisis line and they had serious concerns for my
safety and that of others. Work is “interesting”
especially in the midst of the Covid19 lockdown as, as a prison officer I am a
key worker. Shifts are having to change
at work to deal with both the external lockdown as well as the preventative one
in work. Things are going ok with my new
relationship – well as well as can be expected in the lockdown and neither of
us can travel to see each other but we do facetime at least once a day so it could be worse.
Thats enough for now as wrting this has drained me mentally - lets see how things go.
Take care
